12/24 What is Friendship? 🏆 Winner

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TWO SEAT BENCH (friendship contest)

The treated wood on this deer stand
is fading grey from all the years
which matches these woods old and bland.
I check for rot as autumn nears
and last night's ground fog disappears.

Carefully I ascend the ladder
and it creaks like my brittle bones.
It holds me so it doesn't matter.
Through these deep woods the wind moans
with desultory low pitched tones.

I step from ladder onto rough cut blind;
it's almost level and nearly square
but I reckon the deer will not mind
as they pass from here to there
checking their range with intent stare.

It looks like the roof doesn't leak,
I shake the walls, the braces hold.
The openings will let me peek
come the months when winds blow cold.
My exam is not complete, all told.

I turn toward that I'd as soon not see
A bench which I once built for two
an old friend who used to hunt with me.
I knew not then his hunts were through.
Too many spots in where his doom grew.

I sit on one end of the bench,
raise my head to take on sylvan view
spotting a yellow breasted finch
while remembering this man I knew.
I wonder if he sees this too.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: this is based on a semi true story. I built this stand the same year that my close friend found out he had cancer

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

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Comments

neopoet

6 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "TWO SEAT BENCH (friendship contest)" effectively uses the setting of a deer stand in the woods to evoke a sense of nostalgia and loss. The imagery is vivid and creates a strong sense of place, which serves as a backdrop for the speaker's reminiscences.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The rhyme scheme is consistent throughout the poem, but some of the rhymes feel forced, which can disrupt the natural flow of the language. For example, the lines "It looks like the roof doesn't leak, / I shake the walls, the braces hold." could be reworked to create a more fluid connection between the two ideas.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show. For instance, the line "Too many spots in X-ray's view," directly tells the reader about the friend's illness. It might be more powerful to hint at this through more subtle imagery or metaphor, allowing the reader to gradually understand the situation.

The last stanza, where the speaker wonders if their friend can also see the finch, is a poignant moment. However, this could be developed further to create a stronger emotional impact. The speaker's feelings about their friend's absence are implied, but exploring these feelings more deeply could add another layer to the poem.

Finally, the title "TWO SEAT BENCH (friendship contest)" could be reconsidered. While it does hint at the theme of the poem, it might be more effective to choose a title that is less direct and leaves more to the reader's interpretation.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

6 months 1 week ago

Two Seat Bench

Hello, Stan,
A tender, genuine poem. A strong testimony to true friendship.
I really like this ababb rhyme pattern, and the rhyme is tight. I'm wondering about using "view" a little too close together. I'd have to disagree with AI regarding show vs tell, in this case. This feels as if it needs to come directly through you in your own words and sentiment that lets the reader understand the dynamics of your relationship - as frank and honest as possible. And I think the title is spot on - it is reflective, and gives homage to the present and the past.
Thank you,
L