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Dec 25, 2024
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Drum Beats
Running along
To the beat of a drum
With the colours of life
In tow
The rhythm is fast
The beat is strong
It's lighting up my soul
My mind
It sparks
With electric tension
The percussive rhythm
Beats
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Watching a group of Ghanians using drum beat and voice to express either joy or love, in an outdoor performance inspired me to write these words I spontaneously felt encapulated the one of the moments.
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Drum Beats" effectively uses rhythm and repetition to create a sense of movement and energy. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from more specific and concrete imagery. While phrases like "colours of life" and "lighting up my soul" convey a sense of vibrancy and excitement, they are somewhat abstract and could be more impactful if grounded in more tangible descriptions. For example, the "colours of life" could be described in terms of specific scenes or objects that the speaker encounters as they run.
Secondly, the poem could be more cohesive if it explored the metaphor of the drumbeat more fully. The drumbeat is introduced at the beginning of the poem and then mentioned again at the end, but in between, the poem shifts focus to the speaker's internal experience. If the drumbeat were woven more consistently throughout the poem, it could serve as a more effective throughline.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. Most of the lines in the poem are short and declarative, which creates a certain rhythm but can also become monotonous. By varying the length and structure of the sentences, the poem could create a more dynamic rhythm that mirrors the drumbeat it describes.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Jackweb
6 months 2 weeks ago
This is a -
Vibrant poem about being energized and inspired by the rhythm of life.
,
,
The Gogetter
6 months 2 weeks ago
Response to Jackweb
Thank you Jackweb. The context of the poem, which I feel is more Haiku in style, which surprised me is that I was at an event, and drumbeats, which are heartbeats ( in my way of thinking) are essential to any musical group. However, the theme of the gathering was bringing light to the world, and it was indeed helping to bring much light to me , as I was writing this at the moment of the performance. I am very happy that you felt that theme emerged from that particular moment in time. It is very gratifying for me that this theme dominated your thoughts.
Jackweb
6 months 2 weeks ago
Yeah,
It really dominated me indeed. Nicely written.
,
,
The Gogetter
6 months 2 weeks ago
Hard to resist a good drumbeat
This group of Ghanians were absolutely amazing. Combining voice and drum beats and a variety of instruments. You would have loved this!
Geezer
6 months 2 weeks ago
I was just...
a little bit disappointed that the rhyme was not continued until the very end, but I could just imagine that the ending was abrupt after listening to the beating of the drums for any length of time. Nicely done, ~ Geezer.
.
The Gogetter
6 months 2 weeks ago
About rhyme
I am taking all your comments on board and I am now doing much better editing of my poems. Really appreciate the comment about the rhyme. I was watching the drumming live and this poem was quite raw, but I submitted it anyway. Continue to prod me, I love it Geezer. From The Gogetter.
Geezer
6 months 2 weeks ago
You will...
get that here. I will continue to prod you and try hard to let you know when I feel you have erred. As I said, I was just a bit disappointed that the rhyme was not continued to the end, but now I am not so sure that it is a bad thing, or even a thing to worry about, for the reason I gave. ~ Geezer.
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