01/25 On The Wrong Train

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On the wrong train - oh heck

Laden with presents,
I waited for my train.
As the cold wind howled,
Again and again.

A million thoughts,
Racing through my mind.
Some were pleasant,
Others fatefully unkind.

A joyful day,
Had passed me by.
As I stared up,
At that snow filled sky.

Confusion of mind,
Or perhaps a memory lapse.
All sense of reason,
Just started to collapse.

My sense of direction,
Was given the boot.
At my mental block,
In planning my route.

With my head in the clouds
I forgot my brain.
As I stepped aboard,
The wrong dam train.

At the announcers voice,
I learnt my fate.
But where was I going?
I didn't have long to wait.

The same direction,
But a different station.
My relief palpable,
As my elation.

A thankful swerve,
To avoid the worst.
Kind of outcome to,
That wrong train curse.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Coventry, England, GBR

Favorite Poets: Michael Rosen , Rudyard Kipling , Pam Ayres , Benjamin Zephaniah

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Comments

neopoet

5 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "On the wrong train - oh heck" exhibits a strong narrative structure, which effectively carries the reader through the speaker's journey. The use of rhyme and rhythm adds a lyrical quality to the poem that enhances the overall reading experience.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent meter. The varying line lengths and syllable counts create a somewhat uneven rhythm that can disrupt the flow of the poem. Establishing a more consistent meter could help to create a smoother reading experience.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show. For example, in the lines "A million thoughts, / Racing through my mind. / Some were pleasant, / Others fatefully unkind," the speaker tells the reader what they are thinking and feeling, rather than showing these thoughts and feelings through imagery or metaphor. Using more concrete, sensory language could help to make the poem more vivid and engaging.

Lastly, the poem's use of language is generally clear and accessible, but there are moments where the wording could be more precise. For instance, in the line "My sense of direction, / Was given the boot," the phrase "was given the boot" is a colloquialism that may not be clear to all readers. Replacing this phrase with more straightforward language could help to clarify the speaker's meaning.

In conclusion, while the poem demonstrates a strong narrative structure and a good use of rhyme, it could be improved by establishing a more consistent meter, using more concrete and sensory language, and choosing more precise wording.

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Ruby Lord

5 months 2 weeks ago

Oh heck indeed. I enjoyed

Oh heck indeed. I enjoyed your poem, the rhymes were tight and the flow was really good. Your subject matter, OMG, it gave me the jitters just thinking about it. I spent 4 hours on a train last year worrying about being in the wrong carriage ha ha. Take care, Ruby xxx :)