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This poem is part of the challenge:

01/25 I survived

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No One Lives There Anymore - I Survived

Empty spaces inside my mind,
where you try to unpack,
memories most unkind.
No one lives there anymore.

Words pierce like razor blades,
ebbing my nerves, making them sore.
How's that bed of nails you made?
The door is closed; no one lives there anymore.

Take your poison and turn it on yourself.
You'll die alone, without any help.
Don't look for me, I jumped off that shelf.
I am free; no one lives there anymore.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United States

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, Jim Morrison

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

5 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "No One Lives There Anymore - I Survived" appears to be a piece about overcoming adversity and emotional trauma. It uses powerful imagery and metaphors to convey a sense of pain and subsequent liberation.

The first stanza introduces the theme of the poem effectively, using the metaphor of 'empty spaces' and 'unpacking memories' to suggest the process of dealing with past traumas. However, the phrase 'memories most unkind' could benefit from further elaboration to give the reader a deeper understanding of the nature of these memories.

In the second stanza, the metaphor of 'words' as 'razor blades' and 'ebbing nerves' effectively conveys the emotional pain experienced by the speaker. However, the phrase 'bed of nails you made' is somewhat ambiguous. Clarifying who 'you' refers to and the significance of the 'bed of nails' could enhance the overall impact of this stanza.

The third stanza continues the theme of overcoming adversity, with the speaker asserting their independence and freedom. The use of the phrase 'jumped off that shelf' is a strong metaphor for liberation, but it could be further developed to provide more insight into what the 'shelf' represents.

The refrain 'no one lives there anymore' is a powerful statement of the speaker's transformation and recovery. However, the poem could benefit from more explicit exploration of this transformation process, to give the reader a clearer understanding of the speaker's journey from pain to liberation.

In terms of structure, the poem maintains a consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme, which enhances its readability. However, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structures and punctuation to create a more dynamic rhythm and pace.

Overall, the poem effectively communicates a powerful message of resilience and survival. By further developing the metaphors and exploring the transformation process in more detail, the poem could offer a more nuanced and impactful exploration of its themes.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

5 months 1 week ago

Hi RoseBlack this is cutting

Hi RoseBlack this is cutting and violent and I love it. The imagery is excellent with the "bed of nails you made" and "Take your poison and turn it on yourself."
Very good, I can almost see you taking your vengeance. Great job, Ruby xxx :)

RoseBlack

RoseBlack

5 months 1 week ago

Thank you Ruby

I am glad you enjoyed it. Last year was a year of transformation and while I am still getting used to things, it feels good to be free.

Geezer

Geezer

5 months 1 week ago

I get...

the feeling, that there is no real joy in the getting free, just relief.
I felt the emptiness, the finality of "No one lives there anymore."
The rhyme could be better in the second stanza, I think you could say something like:

Words pierce like razor blades
scraping my nerves, making them sore
How's that bed of nails you've made?
The door is closed, no one lives there anymore.

Take your poison, turn it on yourself,
You'll die alone, that's for sure.
Don't look for me, I jumped off that shelf
I am free; no one lives there anymore.

The feeling of freedom is new, and it feels like you are breaking in a new pair of shoes.
~ Geez.
.

RoseBlack

RoseBlack

5 months 1 week ago

It is definitely new

And I am still getting used to it and learning what it feels like. Thank you for the read and comment. I knew you would understand it. There is a certain sadness that goes with the freedom but the relief feels good.

Lavender

Lavender

5 months 1 week ago

No One Lives There Anymore

Hello, Carrie,
I feel both sadness and relief. I imagine that to be the case in most instances of survival. Well said, and I am so happy that your journey is moving forward in a positive way.
Best regards to you!
Lx

RoseBlack

RoseBlack

5 months 1 week ago

Thanks L

This year has been one of big changes and transformation. There is sadness in being free but the relief feels good. Thank you for the read and comment.

Clentin

Clentin

5 months ago

Great

Great
Oem Rose, I really enjoyed it.
Your emotions are fe.t and hope for the future exists.

mark

mark

5 months ago

a Beauty

Nice rhythm!
I think the challenge title goes perfectly with this one.
Truly,
Mark

RoseBlack

RoseBlack

5 months ago

Hi Mark

Thank you for the read and comment. Glad you enjoyed.