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Feb 27, 2025
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Not Wordsworth's Daffodils
We stand, loud-mouthed, loutish,
all trumpet and swagger,
lining the roadside, cheap bunting
yellow as your nan’s nicest tea towel,
bold as your dog demanding food.
We know what we are.
Petals preaching poetry
spring’s golden cliché,
the romanticised vision of a man
moved to words by flowers.
But you
blurred behind glass,
squinting through screens,
hurrying to Tesco, late for school runs
you don’t even see us.
We wave regardless,
heads tipping back, howling,
mocking your grey faces, and winter dry skin.
We laugh in sunlight,
we’re brighter than your best ideas,
louder than your tired sighs.
And when we die?
Yes, we return.
Not as regrets, but as green shoots,
ready to swagger.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I’d appreciate any opinions on this poem. It takes a rather different approach to a well known springtime subject, perhaps not quite the way Wordsworth would have put it? Ruby xx
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
4 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Daffodils, Obviously" presents a vivid and engaging personification of daffodils, using them as a symbol for resilience, vibrancy, and the cyclical nature of life. The language is rich and evocative, effectively painting a picture of the daffodils' boldness and tenacity.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The current structure, while free and fluid, can sometimes disrupt the flow of the poem and make it difficult for the reader to follow. Consider revising the poem with a more consistent rhythm in mind to enhance its musicality and readability.
Additionally, while the daffodils' personification is effective, the human characters in the poem could be more fully realized. The lines "blurred behind glass, / squinting through screens, / hurrying to Tesco, late for school runs" provide a snapshot of human life, but it feels somewhat generic. Delving deeper into these characters' lives could provide a stronger contrast with the daffodils and enhance the poem's overall impact.
Finally, the poem's ending could be more impactful. The last line, "ready to swagger," is a strong image, but it could be even more powerful if it tied back to earlier imagery or themes in the poem. Consider revising this line to create a stronger sense of closure and resonance.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Sen99
4 months 3 weeks ago
Another winning poem
i do like this piece alot, the word choices, free-flow of thought, giving life and personality to the daffodils, how much we ignore in nature
Thanks
Sen99
Ruby Lord
4 months 3 weeks ago
Wow, thank you Sen99. I
Wow, thank you Sen99. I appreciate your read and comments. The daffodils here are just pushing their heads out and it is a lovely sight to see. I don't have Wordsworth's eye but I enjoyed giving the daffodils a voice. Ruby xx
Geezer
4 months 3 weeks ago
Daffodils...
are amongst my favorite flowers. You are right; they are loud and brash, with lots of swagger. These are my favorite lines:
We wave regardless,
heads tipping back, howling,
mocking your grey faces, and winter dry skin.
We laugh in sunlight,
we’re brighter than your best ideas,
louder than your tired sighs.
I really like it and find no fault. ~ Geez.
.
Ruby Lord
4 months 3 weeks ago
Thank you Geezer, for reading
Thank you Geezer, for reading and commenting. I was a little worried about this one. It's a new style I've been playing with from Carol Ann Duffy's poetry. Linking the mundane to the imaginary, so tea towel and demanding dog and in the act of giving daffodils voices. But there again, every poem we write is based filtered through our every day ordinary and our imaginations. Ruby xx
Geezer
4 months 3 weeks ago
But...
there again, every poem we write is based, filtered through our everyday ordinary, and our imagination.
I couldn't agree more. Thank you again, ~ Geez.
.
Obadiah Grey
4 months 2 weeks ago
I see "Duffy" throughout this
I see "Duffy" throughout this piece, so, job done luv.
A modern take on "poetry" with a particularly British slant
in word choice and written with a glint in yer eye!
Loved it...... Obi.
PSSST, the titles crap....
Ruby Lord
4 months 2 weeks ago
Hi Obi, thank you for reading
Hi Obi, thank you for reading and commenting and thank you for referencing Duffy. I'm well chuffed.
I've decided on this; Not Wordsworth's Daffodils.
That's more in line with my poem I think?
Hope you're well, Ruby xx
Candlewitch
4 months 2 weeks ago
Dear Ruby,
I really like this new slant in your poetry...it is fresh and thought provoking! My favorite lines are the same as Geezer's! (I used to have a Rose garden about thirty years ago. I also had a wildflower garden that took over the backyard, LOL! I love how you personified...
much love sent, Cat
Ruby Lord
4 months 2 weeks ago
Hi Candle, thank you for
Hi Candle, thank you for reading and commenting. I'm not a good gardener, everything I have grows and dies in pots. But I do have some long standing plants so I can't be doing too bad. I'm experimenting with different poets, learning their styles, I think it adds to my skill.
Much love, Ruby xx