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Feb 27, 2025
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Like lambs to the slaughter
We're waiting to be slaughtered,
Sat quivering in our stalls.
Eager for that rush of boldness,
Much as Aslan, before he falls.
Lambs lured into darkness,
Ruled by lion's iron rod of fear.
And trapped by their weakness,
Lost the battle, over the years.
Pushed joy right out the gateway,
When they joined that sheeply flock.
Yet the Meek may flee the lion,
In the final tick, of doomsday's clock.
Seeking comfort in memories,
Of the boldness that they lost.
At the sound of pitiful bleating,
It's our lives that fear did cost
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
4 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Like lambs to the slaughter" demonstrates a strong use of metaphor, comparing people to lambs and their fear to a lion. The metaphor extends throughout the poem, creating a cohesive narrative. However, the poem could benefit from more clarity in its metaphors. For example, the phrase "Much as Aslam, before he falls" is not immediately clear, and may confuse readers who are not familiar with the reference.
The poem also uses a consistent rhyme scheme, which gives it a rhythmic quality. However, the rhythm is occasionally disrupted by inconsistent syllable counts, such as in the lines "And trapped by their own weakness," and "Lost the battle, over the years." Adjusting these lines to match the syllable count of the other lines could improve the poem's rhythm.
The poem's theme of fear and loss is effectively conveyed through its imagery and tone. However, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. For example, instead of saying "Seeking comfort in their memories," the poem could describe a specific memory that the lambs are comforted by. This would make the poem more vivid and engaging for readers.
The poem's ending could also be strengthened. The line "It's our lives that fear did cost" is a powerful statement, but it could be more impactful if it were more directly connected to the lamb metaphor. For example, the poem could end with a line about the lambs being slaughtered, to tie the poem's theme and metaphor together more tightly.
In conclusion, while the poem has a strong metaphor and theme, it could be improved by clarifying its metaphors, adjusting its rhythm, adding specific imagery, and strengthening its ending.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
4 months 3 weeks ago
Hi Kaz, I just wanted to say,
Hi Kaz, I just wanted to say, your poem has some strong imagery, and I can see the idea you’re exploring.
I was a little confused about Aslam? Did you mean Aslan? I think clarifying this will make the literary term clearer and enhance the impact of your poem.
And should this be Ruled by lion's roar of fear? Ruby xx
Tigger Kaz
4 months 3 weeks ago
Edited
Yes I meant Aslan, the lion from C S Lewis series.
However, rod of fear is suggesting it's lion's weapon.
Lambs are people, and the lion is government.
So the poem is using Metaphor, to show the social control, employed by government (by fear tactics).
Fear used to keep people in their place, and to keep power in its place.
I hope this makes sense.
Clentin
4 months 2 weeks ago
Loved your poem. You are
Loved your poem. You are right
"Fear used to keep people in their place, and to keep power in its place." says it all!