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This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoet Weekly 03/09/25 to 03/15/25

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A girl and I

We walked the pastures, a girl and I.
Held hands, so quiet, a girl so shy.
Sat close together in the shade of an oak
Her head on my shoulder, no words we spoke.

Across green meadows below the copse
Soft white lambs ran and played and hopped,
And gambled and frolicked in soft spring sun
While round us gentle bumbles hummed.

Further still we could hear the sea,
Waves lapping borne on oceans breeze,
Above, blue sky no clouds in view,
When into the oak a raven flew.

Not a sound we made, nor movement still
As he eyed from his loft over thick bill,
Fluttered coal black plumage, called to his mate
Then off in flight to where she did await.

The sun was setting in orange fire
So cool the eve but not our desire,
There in the meadow ‘neath ancient oak
I enveloped my girl soft as satin cloak.

Her kisses moist as the morning dew,
Her sighs as gentle as a breeze that blew
Against hot flesh that seemed to sing
To tremble as towers where sweet bells ring.

Then in cool evening, arms entwined
A slow walk home through fields and vines
Paths closed with boughs that seemed to say
Remember this as though your last day.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Isle of Wight United Kingdom

Favorite Poets: Poe, Swinburn, Bob Dylan, Spike Milligan, Alfred Noyes, Kipling., Many Others.

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Comments

Geezer

Geezer

3 months 2 weeks ago

Afternoon delight...

I would eliminate the second girl in the first verse, by saying, [she] was so shy.

I would suggest that the third line of the second verse, needs a trim, maybe say:
They gamboled, frolicked in soft Spring sun.

I love the scene, I can imagine it quite nicely with the gentle rhythm.
However, I do believe that it could be made to flow a bit better if you manage to keep
the lines within a beat of each other. I don't see any important words that you would need to lose,
thereby making it any less impactful, just a matter of rearranging some words, deleting a connecting word
or ending differently. I would venture to say that you have set a scene for a wonderful afternoon. Nice stuff! ~ Geez.
.

Alex Tanner

Alex Tanner

3 months 1 week ago

Hello Geez.

I'm always pleased to get your comments. In this instance I'm not going to change it. I will leave 'A girl so shy' alone because this describes a characteristic whereas 'She was so shy' describes an instance of behaviour. It was the second verse I had most trouble with but I see now a comma is required at the end of the second line to make the next run smoother. I thought of taking out the conjunctions but I remembered Sir Paul Scofield saying of "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow" etc that the emphasis should be on "and". Let's see how that runs. Alex

Clentin

Clentin

3 months 1 week ago

Alex,

Alex,
I agree with your comments. I especially liked the last verse

Alex Tanner

Alex Tanner

3 months 1 week ago

Hi Clentin.

Thank you Clentin. This is the type of poetry I most enjoy composing. Pleased you liked it. Alex.

Geezer

Geezer

3 months 1 week ago

Now...

that you have explained, I see the reasoning. Well done! ~ Geez.
.