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Mar 14, 2025
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Life to Come
Poured out and stowed from teenage years,
these pent-up, grief-filled tortured tears.
They're shed for you, most noble friend.
Dear father, these poor lines I've penned
with Ink, I've spilt for life you've lost,
by fate, so cruel, cut short, star-crossed.
You gave me life, then lost your own.
Launched out for land, unseen, unknown.
Moved on like mist across the lake,
dissolved like dew at dawn's daybreak.
Do you still live, my parent true?
Does heaven's face shine down on you?
Your son survives on slender hopes.
In darkest days, for light he gropes.
He craves one piddling, Christian crumb:
to meet you in the life to come!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: For my father, who died when I was 14. After all these years, the pain and sorrow still rips at my heart.
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
4 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI - version 2.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Life to Come" effectively conveys a deep sense of loss and longing for a departed father. The imagery of spilled ink and mist dissipating across a lake adds to the emotional weight of the piece. The use of rhyme and rhythm contributes to the overall flow of the poem.
One suggestion for improvement would be to consider varying the structure of the stanzas to create more visual interest and to enhance the pacing of the poem. Additionally, exploring different poetic devices such as metaphor or symbolism could further enrich the themes of grief and hope present in the piece. Lastly, paying attention to the consistency of meter and rhyme scheme throughout the poem can help strengthen its overall impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
4 months 1 week ago
Excellent rhyme...
and good story, but you do not give a clue as to how your father met his end, or is supposed to be mysterious? ~ Geez.
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Blue-eyed Bolla
4 months 1 week ago
Life to Come
Thank you, Geezer. Good point. I think I prefer to show his departure as a mystery. In actual fact, he died of a massive heart attack age 39.
Geezer
4 months 1 week ago
Wow...
I can see how that might have induced some trauma in a fourteen-year-old boy. Especially if you had a good relationship with him, Nicely done, man, nicely done. ~ Geez.
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