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Mar 21, 2025
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Dirty Dealing, No Account Chore...
The black construction bag, rolling down the stair
I watched the load that shifted, twisted...
was surprised I didn't care.
It deserved no less than proper disposal.
It was putrid, dirty and vile.
Been hanging out in the closet, just a little while.
The sheets of skin, all shedded dead,
are prepared to meet the end, you see.
I'm done with them, I do believe, at least here in my head.
This chore of mine, I must confess, could be less
if I didn't dress, wearing naught but birthday suit.
But I'm not ready for the loony-bin, and wrinkled is not cute.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively employs a casual, conversational tone that suits the subject matter. The opening stanza establishes a clear visual and sensory image, creating intrigue around the "load" in the bag. However, the poem could benefit from greater clarity regarding the metaphor or symbolism of the bag and its contents. Currently, the reader is left uncertain whether the poem is purely literal or if the bag represents something deeper or more abstract.
The second stanza introduces descriptive terms ("putrid, dirty and vile") that heighten sensory detail, but the phrase "just a little while" is vague and detracts from the strength of the imagery. Clarifying or intensifying this detail could enhance the poem's impact.
The final stanza shifts tone significantly, introducing humor and a personal confession. While humor can be effective, the sudden shift in tone and subject matter ("birthday suit," "loony-bin," "wrinkled") feels disconnected from the earlier imagery. Consider bridging the humorous and serious elements more smoothly, or decide clearly whether the poem aims primarily for humor or for deeper reflection.
Overall, the poem has potential in its vivid imagery and casual voice, but would benefit from greater thematic coherence and clearer intent.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
3 months 1 week ago
Hi Geezer. Ominous, dark and
Hi Geezer. Ominous, dark and macabre. The shedding of old skin, literal or not gives this an eerie undercurrent, but with that twist of humour just when things get too serious. I had to smile at the loony-bin line and the wrinkle warning. You do bleak with a grin brilliantly. Well done. Ruby xx
Geezer
3 months 1 week ago
Because of...
of my difficulty in getting up and down the cellar stairs, I tend to let my laundry go overlong at times. This was one of those times when I had not been up to it for longer than usual. I didn't think I was able to manage carrying the basket down with safety, so I thought of the brilliant scheme to get it done. I can bring two separate loads up more easily, so while second load is now drying, I bring the first up. - Geez.
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Candlewitch
3 months 1 week ago
Dear Geezer,
I have a suggestion for you...wait a bit longer, until your laundry is so dirty with debris and grime that it is stiff and can walk down stairs on its own! Your poem gave me a good laugh, thanks!
love, Cat
Geezer
3 months 1 week ago
Well...
I must admit, though I've said that I didn't care, it was a bit untrue. I did feel a certain bit of satisfaction at the sight of it looking like a dead body rolling down the stairs. Thank you for your always helpful suggestions, [no matter how dirty they are]. LMAO
I truly appreciate your comments. ~ Geez.
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