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May 11, 2011
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Future Days
Future Days
fragments of
dissipating clouds
a backdrop
for the fading sun
framing memories
of my hunter days
when I was constantly
on the expansive run
now my path has narrowed
and my step has slowed
I recline on frayed pillows
closing my weary eyes
I remember younger days
When I had my choice
of all the young men
in my pavilion
I was mistress
of all I surveyed
then my eyes fell upon you
and never strayed
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Actually, I think my title sucks. Can you help with a more appropriate moniker? And any other help will be appreciated. always, cat
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
14 years 2 months ago
Dearest Jayne-Chloe,
I'm glad you liked this piece, but I cut most of the lines that you admired due to my agreement with the majority of public opinion. I hope you will like it as it stands, too. I feel blessed with every visit you pay me, dearest Jayne-Chloe!
love, Cat
Candlewitch
14 years 2 months ago
Dear Lonnie,
Thank you so much for your visit and comment! Steve is often the subject and recipient of my poetry. He is very appreciative and lets me know in a hundred little ways. All of them wonderful!
always, Cat
Candlewitch
14 years 2 months ago
Dear Chrys,
I know what you mean about cliches, they bother me too. Except in special cases like, satire, where they are on the firing line. I've changed the ending by removal of the offending lines as was suggested by another dear reviewer. I hope this satisfies, but I am open to all ideas. So if you think of a better ending, please run it past me.
love, Cat
Candlewitch
14 years 2 months ago
Thanks Rosi!
It is nice to hear from you always!
love, Cat
judyanne
14 years 2 months ago
absolutely beautiful cat
i just love the lines
'a backdrop
for the fading sun
framing memories
of my hunter days'
maybe just me... but i would cut the last four lines and leave the finish at
'then my eyes fell upon you
and never strayed' (adding the 'then')
- i really like the title...
love and hugs
judy
Candlewitch
14 years 2 months ago
Dear Judyanne,
Thank you! I have utilized your suggestion. I always appreciate when a reader tells me which part of my poem touched them. Great hearing from you!
always, Cat
lou
14 years 2 months ago
Cat
Can't think of anything that needs to be improved, it is a beautiful poem.
Much love Lou
Candlewitch
14 years 2 months ago
Dear Lou,
Your support and encouragement is always appreciated! Thank you.
love, Cat
Hooded Stranger
14 years 2 months ago
Cat
Cat,
I am only seeing the revised version now, so I can only comment on the shortened version.
I am assuming this is for Steve and it is a wonderful piece. There is nothing I want to change...other than the title, but I am struggling to find a suitable one.
Also, it almost has a feel of sadness that you are not still a hunter...although I know you finish by saying "never strayed"...but something says you kind of wish you had...just for the thrill of another hunt. It reminds me of a Motorhead song "The chase is better than the catch"...and maybe, you miss the chase, but don't want the catch as you already have the perfect catch.
Back to titles:
Framed memories
Perfect catch
Oh well, I am not in titles mood this afternoon!
regards,
HS
Candlewitch
14 years 2 months ago
Dear HS,
You caught me reminiscing! LOL! Yes, there is the tiniest bit of wistfulness here.
Thanks for the review and your time as I know your time is spread thin now-a-days!
love, Cat
Hooded Stranger
14 years 2 months ago
Cat
Cat,
always time for you and your work,
much love,
HS