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Mar 28, 2025
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THe HOUSE SLAVE
The first horn lifts its arm over the dew-lit grass.
And in the slave quarters there is a rustling--
Children are bundling into aprons, cornbread.
And water gourds grabbed, a salt pork breakfast
taken.
I watch them driven into the vague before-dawn while their mistress sleeps like an ivory tooth pick.
And Massa dreams of asses, rum and slave-funk.
I cannot fall asleep again. At the second horn, the whip curls across the backs of the laggards-- sometimes my sister's voice,unmistakable among them. Oh! Pray,"She cries."OH! Pray!" Those days I lie on my cot, shiverin̈g in the early heat.
And as the fields unfold to whiteness, and they spill like bees among the fat flowers. I weep. It is not yet day light.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Help me with criticism
Review Request Direction: How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem addresses a significant historical subject matter with vivid imagery and emotional intensity. To strengthen the poem further, consider the following points:
1. **Imagery and Metaphor**:
The metaphor "mistress sleeps like an ivory tooth pick" is striking but somewhat unclear. Clarifying or refining this image could enhance its impact. Consider whether the comparison fully captures the intended meaning or if another metaphor might better reflect the mistress's indifference or fragility.
2. **Consistency in Tone and Voice**:
The poem shifts between descriptive imagery ("dew-lit grass," "spill like bees") and stark, direct language ("Massa dreams of asses, rum and slave-funk"). While contrast can be effective, ensure these shifts are deliberate and support the poem’s overall emotional coherence.
3. **Punctuation and Formatting**:
Some punctuation choices ("cornbread. And water gourds grabbed," "taken.") interrupt the poem’s rhythm and readability. Consider revising punctuation to create smoother transitions and clearer flow between lines and images.
4. **Narrative Clarity**:
The speaker’s position and perspective are somewhat ambiguous. Clarifying the speaker’s relationship to the others ("my sister's voice") and their role ("I watch them driven") could help readers better understand the emotional stakes and context of the poem.
5. **Ending and Emotional Impact**:
The poem concludes with "It is not yet day light," a powerful line suggesting ongoing suffering. Consider whether this ending fully captures the emotional weight of the preceding lines. Expanding slightly or adjusting the final imagery could heighten the poem’s resonance and leave a stronger impression.
Overall, careful attention to clarity, consistency, and emotional coherence will help refine the poem and deepen its impact.
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