Shade of my Shadow

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem effectively explores the metaphorical concept of time as a shadow, persistently following and subtly altering the speaker's life. The imagery of innocence ("calves at slaughter") contrasted with the later references to cigarettes, booze, and physical deterioration provides a clear narrative arc of lost innocence and regret. The shadow metaphor is consistent and compelling, particularly in how it is initially subtle ("within my shadow, so I would hardly notice you") and later becomes oppressive and accusatory.

However, there are areas where the poem could be strengthened:

1. **Imagery and Word Choice:**
The line "Days came nights went ever so slowly, like liquid ooze" feels somewhat vague and generic compared to the vividness of earlier imagery. Consider sharpening this simile to better match the intensity and specificity of the rest of the poem.

2. **Consistency of Tone:**
The phrase "like some stalker tag-along" slightly diminishes the seriousness and depth of the poem. It introduces a casual tone that contrasts somewhat awkwardly with the poem's otherwise somber and introspective mood. Consider revising this phrase to maintain tonal consistency.

3. **Punctuation and Structure:**
The poem's punctuation and line breaks are somewhat inconsistent, which occasionally disrupts the rhythm and readability. For example, the lines "Gradually changes marred my smooth fair skin, Cigarettes and booze have left me altered." could benefit from clearer punctuation or line breaks to enhance readability and rhythm.

4. **Ending and Climax:**
The ending, "The only sound you make is... tick tock!" is clear and emphasizes the inevitability of time. However, the ellipsis before "tick tock!" slightly weakens the impact. Consider removing the ellipsis to create a stronger, more decisive conclusion.

Overall, the poem effectively conveys its central theme of time's relentless and transformative power. Refining the imagery, maintaining consistent tone, and tightening the structure and punctuation will further enhance its emotional resonance and clarity.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Hi Candlewitch, there’s a quiet power inthis poem, short, deliberate, and each line is costly. The pacing is effective, particularly that slow, ooze-like passage of time when suffering becomes routine. I think the final line, that tick tock lingers, as if the shadow is time all along, silently watching, never retreating.
Thank you for sharing this. There’s something in the tone of this one, your pared-back style, that really sings, quietly, darkly, and with truth.

When we are young, we seem to be in a hurry to move forward to new things, better things, never realizing that we are being stalked. As we get older, we start to see into the shadows, until, finally, that is almost all that we see and our stalker is revealed.

I might not have felt the power of this poem 20 years ago, but, today, it is a sledge hammer.

Shows a great deal of inner emotions plagued by constant reminders of the past.
Loved it.

Hello, Cat,
I feel the continued turmoil within - "...you trailed me..."
The image of the inner shadow is painful, and the final line gives the sense of oppression - deep and personal.
Thank you!
Lx