M. Browne

Apr 08, 2025 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the challenge:

04/25 A sound of a specific place

(Read More...)

I Lay, You Lie

The numbing hum felt intwined among souls
Where I lay, you lie, upon your chest
The sound of your heart, not there... was it theft?

I wondered then, I wonder still-
Was it taken, or never really real?

A cold stone ripped out of mine
A hole I now grow to know
My heart now cold
My heart now worn
But yours... well, was it ever warm?

A stolen murmur, a fateful lie,
The difference between you and I
I lay upon your chest,
You lie with it stuck out-
Oh naiveness do you ever rest?

Your chest, your heart, a hollow home I once believed,
A silent void- was your love ever once conceived?

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Tasmania, Australia, AUS

Comments

neopoet

2 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI - version 2.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "I Lay, You Lie" explores themes of betrayal, loss, and questioning the authenticity of love. The use of contrasting imagery between laying and lying, warmth and coldness, and belief and deception effectively conveys a sense of emotional turmoil and disillusionment. The repetition of questions throughout the poem adds a reflective and introspective tone, inviting the reader to ponder the nature of relationships and the trust placed in others.

One suggestion for improvement could be to further develop the imagery and metaphors used in the poem to enhance the emotional impact on the reader. Consider incorporating more sensory details or specific examples to create a vivid and immersive experience. Additionally, paying attention to the flow and structure of the poem could help strengthen the overall coherence and impact of the message being conveyed.

Overall, "I Lay, You Lie" presents a thought-provoking exploration of complex emotions and experiences. Continuing to refine the imagery and structure of the poem could further elevate its power and resonance with the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

2 months 2 weeks ago

I like your title. It's a nod

I like your title. It's a nod to the way we use words to gain or obfuscate meaning behind our words especially in poetry.
I tripped a little on this line,

Was it taken, or never really real?

I think the duplication of really and real so close in the same line, stopped me thinking about the poem and made me overthink the choice of words?

If this was deliberate, like the previous line, wondered and wonder, then you've achieved the effect.
But it did feel a little out of kilter to me. Perhaps replacing really with another word, truly, honestly, nearly? These are just my thoughts. Please ignore me if I got this wrong. Ruby xx

M. Browne

2 months 2 weeks ago

Thanks so much for reading &

Thanks so much for reading & ur feedback!! I totally agree about “really & “real”- I did ponder over the choice for a few moments wondering if it was too much & feel as if it almost contradicted itself. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts about it, I still have a few changes the think over so will definitely include that alteration in a final draft. Thanks again!!

Candlewitch

2 months 2 weeks ago

Hello M Browne,

(You have the same last name as one of my favorite musicians!) I tripped over the same line as Ruby did. I am glad that you have recognized this flaw in your perfect poem and will revise. my favorite lines are:

Your chest, your heart, a hollow home I once believed,
A silent void- was your love ever once conceived?

but I would replace the word chest with breast. only a suggestion, I do not seek to offend. On the whole, a great poem!

hugs, Cat

M. Browne

2 months 1 week ago

Thanks so much for reading &

Thanks so much for reading & definitely sound feedback that I will consider!!