Into the Abyss

I woke. Or did I? Does it matter?
The clock sneered, rang its clatter.
Another day, another curse—
A rerun show, but somehow worse.

I stood to fight for my own due
But fate had other plans in view.
Shoes conspired, the floor complied—
Down I went. My dignity died.

I sought salvation—black, liquid, pure,
A bitter lie I could endure.
But the machine, a metal bloc,
Refused to serve—made me a laughing stock.

Fine, I thought, I’ll face the grind,
Escape the cage inside my mind.
I pedalled on my bicycle, made an attempt to flee.
But Existence, cruel, sent forth a bee.

I jerked, I swerved, a stupid dance,
A cosmic joke at my expense.
The ground embraced me, firm, unkind,
As if to say, “You’ll never climb.”

Work was work—monotonous drone,
A slow decay of flesh and bone.
Spilled my lunch, missed my calls,
Watched dreams dissolve in yellowed walls.

And so it goes, again, again,
A loop of folly, loss, and pain.
I laughed—what else?—a hollow sound,
For nothing matters. round and round.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: QLD

Comments

neopoet

2 months 3 weeks ago

Neopoet AI - version 2.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Into the Abyss" effectively captures a sense of despair and monotony through its vivid imagery and consistent tone. The repetition of unfortunate events and the feeling of being trapped in a cycle of futility are conveyed powerfully throughout the piece. The use of personification, such as the clock sneering and shoes conspiring, adds depth to the narrative and enhances the overall mood of the poem.

One suggestion for improvement could be to vary the structure or form of the poem to create more contrast or emphasis in certain parts. This could help to further highlight key moments or emotions within the piece. Additionally, consider exploring different poetic devices or techniques to add layers of complexity to the themes being explored.

Overall, "Into the Abyss" effectively communicates a sense of disillusionment and resignation, painting a poignant picture of the struggles faced by the speaker.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

2 months 3 weeks ago

Hello Stuart,

In reading this poem of yours, I snorted my "cup of Joe" (coffee) Your poem really brightened my day with its fine tuned humor! my favorite lines are:

I jerked, I swerved, a stupid dance,
A cosmic joke at my expense.
The ground embraced me, firm, unkind,
As if to say, “You’ll never climb.”

thank you for posting this! well met, Cat

p.s.
I loved the rhyming pattern! thanks, Cat