Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Apr 12, 2025
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
SHE
The Sun rises from the East and sets off in the beautiful Western horizon,
Whereas clouds are what make the blue sky an art piece,
And stars are the paint that light up a dark canvas,
My eyes finally saw the beauty in through the eyes of another.
It used to be rainy nights that I spent alone, reminiscing about the ones that broke my heart,
That was until I met her,
I thanked the universe for aligning my path with hers,
In her eyes, I saw a future where everything of 'mine' became 'ours',
And her heart is my hearth.
She is my tranquillity in a world perturbed by turbulences,
Her love flows freely without any disturbances,
Her allegiance is pledged without any exceptions,
And I know that I’m loved with each passing second, not on certain occasions.
In the calmest of nights, she is the breeze that I yearn for,
In the scorching heat of any day, she's the ice that keeps me cool,
She's the serene voice that I hear clearly even in the noise of thousands,
She reminds me to breath when I’m about to drown.
And if loving her was a song, then she's my favourite playlist,
For my alphabets were always missing a letter,
But ‘U’ came along and completed it.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
2 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem explores themes of love and companionship through vivid imagery and metaphor. However, there are several areas where the poem could benefit from revision and clarification:
1. **Imagery and Originality:**
The opening stanza uses familiar imagery (sunrise, clouds, stars) that, while visually appealing, is somewhat common. Consider incorporating more unique or unexpected comparisons to strengthen the emotional impact and distinguish the poem from others with similar themes.
2. **Consistency and Clarity:**
The line "My eyes finally saw the beauty in through the eyes of another" contains awkward phrasing ("in through"). Clarifying this line would enhance readability and meaning. Perhaps simplifying it to something like "My eyes finally saw beauty through hers" could help.
3. **Clichés and Generalizations:**
Phrases such as "her heart is my hearth," "tranquillity in a world perturbed by turbulences," and "she reminds me to breath when I’m about to drown" border on cliché. Consider rephrasing these expressions to convey the sentiment in a fresher, more personal manner.
4. **Rhythm and Flow:**
The poem's rhythm is inconsistent, particularly in the third stanza ("Her allegiance is pledged without any exceptions"). This line feels overly formal compared to the rest of the poem. Adjusting the diction or syntax here could help maintain a smoother, more cohesive rhythm.
5. **Final Lines and Wordplay:**
The final lines introduce a playful alphabet metaphor ("my alphabets were always missing a letter, But ‘U’ came along and completed it"). While the intent is clear, the sudden shift to playful wordplay feels somewhat disconnected from the more earnest tone of the preceding stanzas. Consider either integrating a similar playful tone earlier in the poem or revising the ending to match the more serious, reflective voice established earlier.
Overall, the poem would benefit from more original imagery, clearer phrasing, and a consistent tone and rhythm. These adjustments would help the poem resonate more deeply with readers and convey its emotional message more effectively.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
2 months 2 weeks ago
Hello!
I hope you do not mind reading a few suggestions on your poem. In the first line:
The Sun rises from the East and sets off in the beautiful Western horizon,
remove the word (and) replace (sets) with (setting) remove (off) replace (in) with on.
fourth line:
My eyes finally saw the beauty in through the eyes of another.
remove (in)
line 5:
It used to be rainy nights that I spent alone, reminiscing about the ones that broke my heart,
remove:"the ones that" replace with (those who)
If you are inclined to do so, I think you can take it from here...
I hope I have been helpful. You can use my suggestions or discard them as you like.
always, Cat
Clentin
1 month 4 weeks ago
Welcome to Neopoet. Keep
Welcome to Neopoet. Keep writing. Glad to have you as a member!