Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
HARKER
Harkers young, lawyers eyes
fell to the last choking coffin.
Beads of
sweat had began to leak from his
forehead.
His fist held a shackled grip on a
wooden stake, his youthful heart
became more irritated. He slid
back the unslept, decrepit, coffin,
lined in velvet.
Which caused Harkers eyes
to stretch and his jaw to flip open.
His body started to tremble like a
ghost in shackles. Harkers body
had flung back. After taking a few
deep breaths from his lungs he
cagily builds up the courage to
edge closer, talking to himself
like a mental health patient.
No sign of the night stalker? as a
a spilling light from his lantern
validates his departure.
Dracula is suddenly projected
behind Harker, like a gossamer
hologram. Harker feels a cold
presence
and pivots on his heels. His body
turns to ice, he's unmoveable of
the horror closing in on him, which
causes his frightened eyes to
widen and face to turn
to ashen.
He's fixed on to the blood
drinker, like a magnet, and
trapped in a silent scream.
Draculas
blood shot peers, as wide as full
moons, are now glaring down at the
ambitious young human, with a
concentrated, tranquilizing stare.
Its blood less lips start to peel back
to welcome him with sharp serrated
tips, nailed in fangs, ready to bury into
his bottle shaped neck.
The inside of his crimson glossy cape,
had now wrapped around Harker, as fear
had put a knife to his throat and
whispered him not to step any
further.
Lighting cuts open the night, falling
down a sterling staircase, causing a
flash and a crash, behind him, followed
by a boom of thunder.
The full body moon is now peering into
the castles, black window, accentuating
the towering figure of count Dracula
It casts
a ghostly sheen, also highlighting
Harkers bulging jugular, which is going
to supply counts, supernatural body full
of power, vigour.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Rough copy rough I wished they sorted the sight out more so you can can scroll and edit
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
2 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI - version 2.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
It is not feasible to offer feedback.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Jokerface82
2 months 1 week ago
Rough
Rough
Candlewitch
2 months 1 week ago
Hello Jokerface!
I Just discovered this poem...I am an old Bram Stoker fan, since I was a little kid. I think the best film of Jonathan Harker, Mina, Lucy, and the good Count was the love story: "Bram Stoker's Dracula." with a stellar cast including Anthony Hopkins. Gary Oldman, and Winona Ryder. I love your poem and wish that there were more of it!!!
Always, Cat
Jokerface82
2 months 1 week ago
Thank you
Yeah absolutely I grew up with horror, and I write books of horror now for godless and amazon!
Ruby Lord
2 months 1 week ago
Hi Jokerface82, this is a
Hi Jokerface82, this is a bold stab, (pun intended) at retelling Dracula, which isn’t easy when most of us have the film stuck in our heads, especially the Gary Oldman version, with all his velvety shadows. Yours holds the same gothic weight. The mood’s thick with tension, and you build the scene visually with a real sense of drama. I could see it unfolding like a stage play.
What I’d have liked more of, though, is Harker himself. And his reactions. In your poem, he’s sweating and gripping the stake, but I think there’s room to go deeper, to show what fear does to his thinking, his breath, his being. That’d give it a more human pulse, something the reader can grab onto beyond the visuals.
You’ve got strong bones here. It’s gothic, it’s alive, it’s got bite. A bit more feeling from Harker and this would really land. Ruby xx
Jokerface82
2 months 1 week ago
I appreciate the comment
I will give Harker more terrifying depth!
Jokerface82
2 months 1 week ago
I'm thinking more Christopher lee
I'm thinking more Christopher Lee with thm blood shot hypnotic blood shot eyes !
Ruby Lord
2 months 1 week ago
Perhaps any film history
Perhaps any film history vampire will work here? Is that the issue?
Whichever route you take, it is worth using the spelling and grammar check in Word before pasting your poem, make it shine. Ruby xx
Jokerface82
2 months 1 week ago
I did put rough down?
I vomit it all out then clean it up later
Ruby Lord
2 months 1 week ago
Ha ha, I thought you were
Ha ha, I thought you were being personal about AI, not about your own practices :) Ruby xx
Jokerface82
2 months 1 week ago
I sometimes try
I sometimes try and have a boxing match with A. I LOL
Candlewitch
2 months 1 week ago
Hey Jokerface,
I have been following along with your poem and the changes....I did not see a visible change this time. what did I miss?
xx Cat
Jokerface82
2 months 1 week ago
Hi cat
I changed alot of things mainly Harkers detailed fear. Face washed in white, gob flipping open, stuff like that.
Candlewitch
2 months 1 week ago
Dear Jokerface,
In this line:
Which caused Harkers eyes
to stretch and his jaw to flip open.
maybe try:
Shocking Harker's eyes open wide,
his jaw to suddenly drop
just a suggestion for you to think over
always, Cat
Jokerface82
2 months 1 week ago
I appreciate the comment cat
But I prefer my version, it's different and not cliche