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Apr 21, 2025
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Shadow of the truth
Oh fair lady fierce and true,
Locked in the mirror,
I see you.
A portal to another world,
One wrong glance,
And your beauty's left unfurled.
Sweet maiden, with your locks so fair,
Against complexion as pure as snow.
What lurks beneath perfection,
One shall never know.
And at the junction,
where face meets eye,
A solitary drop of moisture,
Like a pear drop left the sky.
In its hint of sadness,
Thoughts sit tangled in a web,
Oh distant thief of gladness.
Who is this evil thief?
To steal perfect vision away.
Stripper of beliefs,
Which reeks of apple rot.
Yet history spun a yarn.
With pure intent.
That harbinger of harm,
Found a box to hide such truth,
Bound up with ties,
In withered version of youth.
Belies a shadow of the past,
Trapped in time,
Yet moving fast,
On a path with dual ends.
Fear crept in,
Disguised that cry,
Crash and burn,
You fell from yonder sky.
To meet your final,
Fateful goodbye.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
2 months 4 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem demonstrates ambition in its exploration of themes such as beauty, illusion, and hidden truths. However, several areas could benefit from additional clarity and refinement.
First, the imagery and metaphors shift frequently, creating a sense of disjointedness. For instance, the poem moves quickly from mirrors and portals to apples, thieves, and boxes. Consider clarifying the central metaphor or thematic thread to strengthen coherence and guide the reader more effectively through the intended meaning.
Second, certain word choices and phrases could be reconsidered for precision and originality. For example, "complexion as pure as snow" is a familiar simile that may dilute the poem's impact. Similarly, the phrase "stripper of beliefs" feels awkward and unclear in context. Revising these lines with more precise or innovative language could enhance the poem's overall strength.
Third, the rhythm and pacing vary significantly throughout the poem. Some stanzas flow smoothly, while others feel abrupt or uneven. For example, the stanza beginning "Yet history spun a yarn" introduces new imagery and concepts abruptly. Consider revising transitions between stanzas and ideas to improve the poem's overall fluidity and readability.
Finally, the poem introduces several intriguing concepts—such as the "evil thief," "harbinger of harm," and "shadow of the past"—but does not fully develop them. Clarifying these references and expanding their significance within the poem could deepen the reader's understanding and emotional engagement.
Overall, the poem would benefit from clearer thematic focus, more precise imagery, smoother transitions, and deeper exploration of its central ideas.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
2 months 2 weeks ago
Shadow of the Truth
Hello, Tigger,
This is deep and melancholy. It speaks to me of the lost beauty of youth, and then the beauty of aging, misjudged. Although the first thought I had was toward human beauty, it doesn't necessarily limit itself to that, but beauty in nature in general. I am curious about the final stanza - I'm wondering about "crash and burn" and what it means. Beautiful language throughout. I think I might use the entire word "goodbye" in the final line, if I'm interpreting the meaning correctly.
Thank you!
L