Crash Cart for Courage

Paramedics find
your friend
on the floor,
in respiratory
distress.

As he’s
rushed
to the emergency room,
you hear
a drum set
in your chest.

You hear them whisper:
“He’s not going
to walk out
of this place.”

Your mind
races faster
than the doctor’s hands
trying to bring him back.

Nurses run—
“He’s crashing!”
The room begins to shake
like a seizure
in slow motion.

Then—
Courage’s
heart beats.
You hear the doctors:
“Welcome back, Courage.
Thought we lost you.
This is like the third
time this week.”

Courage whispers,
“That was a ride.
Why are you sweating?
This is just
a regular
Friday night.”

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York, USA

Favorite Poets: Cavafi, Sylvia Plath and Neopoet as a whole.

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Comments

neopoet

1 month 3 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem explores an abstract concept—courage—through a vivid and concrete medical metaphor. This approach has potential, but there are several areas that could benefit from further development and clarity.

First, the metaphor of courage as a friend undergoing surgery is intriguing but somewhat inconsistent. The surgeon having "a bottle of vodka" introduces an unclear element. It is uncertain whether this detail is meant symbolically (perhaps suggesting recklessness or impairment) or literally. Clarifying the intention behind this imagery could strengthen the poem's coherence.

Second, the poem's conclusion, "you can see a discharge of fear," is ambiguous. The term "discharge" could mean release or removal, but in a medical context, it might also imply something negative or unhealthy. Clarifying or reconsidering this word choice might help the reader better understand the intended emotional resolution.

Additionally, the emotional stakes could be heightened by providing more context or background about the speaker's relationship with courage. Currently, the poem relies heavily on the metaphorical scenario without fully grounding the reader in the emotional significance of courage to the speaker.

Finally, the poem could benefit from more precise and deliberate language. Terms such as "frantically" and "critical surgery" are somewhat general and could be replaced or supplemented with more specific imagery or details to deepen the reader's engagement.

Overall, clarifying the metaphor, refining word choice, and providing additional emotional context would help the poem achieve greater depth and coherence.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact