Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
May 05, 2025
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
SHADOWS OF THE RAIN
I slipped into the darkness
There were no voices there
Before my eyes were plucked
I saw you were not there
Only the shadows of the rain
Only the shadows of my pain
I who knew the mysteries of flesh
Split apart with fear
You who is my love
Did not call me near
To listen to the ocean upon the shore
To wear your skin again once more
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
neopoet
1 month 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem explores themes of isolation, loss, and longing through vivid, sensory imagery. The repetition of "Only the shadows" effectively emphasizes the speaker's solitude and emotional distress. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further clarity and refinement:
1. Imagery and Metaphor:
The phrase "Before my eyes were plucked" is striking and unsettling, but it is unclear whether this is metaphorical or literal. Clarifying this imagery could help readers better understand the intended emotional or symbolic significance.
2. Consistency of Tone:
The poem begins with a stark, almost violent imagery ("eyes were plucked") but later transitions into softer, more intimate language ("To listen to the ocean upon the shore / To wear your skin again once more"). This shift is somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition or clearer thematic connection.
3. Language and Word Choice:
The phrase "shadows of the rain" is intriguing but somewhat abstract. Consider elaborating or grounding this image more concretely to enhance reader understanding and emotional resonance.
4. Rhythm and Flow:
The poem's rhythm is generally consistent, but the line "You who is my love" feels awkward grammatically. Adjusting this line for grammatical correctness ("You who are my love") or restructuring the phrase could improve readability and flow.
5. Emotional Depth and Development:
The poem hints at a deeper narrative or emotional backstory ("I who knew the mysteries of flesh / Split apart with fear"), yet it remains somewhat vague. Expanding upon or clarifying the nature of the speaker's fear or the relationship dynamic could add emotional depth and strengthen reader engagement.
Overall, the poem has potential to resonate emotionally, but clarifying imagery, maintaining tonal consistency, and refining language choices could significantly enhance its impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact