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May 29, 2025
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Retreat and Rehab...
He collected up his rage,
prepared to hurl it at them all.
He never understood it,
why they thought that he was small.
He'd show them what he could do,
tear their hearts out, make them pay.
They'd see he was real evil,
he'd come and ruin their day.
They refused to see his worth,
ignored him at their peril.
They should have looked just once more,
'cause now, he's going feral.
No tracks left, invisible
he's slipping through all the cracks.
Yes, he'll soon be leaving here,
he's not ever coming back.
What? the door is locked up tight,
never was secure before.
Someone told, ratted him out,
That was it, he felt so sure.
To take away his dreams now...
he would fight them to his last.
But he felt the power leave
and his mind went to the past.
Stutters fell out from his mouth,
he felt weakness in his spine
his strength was gone all away,
he's no longer feeling fine.
Well, wait until tomorrow,
the weapons are still there.
A nap was all he needed,
and then the world beware.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
3 weeks 4 days ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem explores themes of anger, frustration, and powerlessness effectively. The progression from rage and determination to vulnerability and exhaustion is clear and well-structured. However, there are several areas that could benefit from further attention:
1. **Character Development and Motivation**:
The protagonist's anger and intent to harm others are clearly communicated, but the underlying reasons or motivations remain vague. Consider expanding on the backstory or the specific events that triggered this rage, to help readers better understand and empathize with the character's emotional state.
2. **Imagery and Figurative Language**:
The poem relies heavily on literal descriptions ("tear their hearts out," "going feral," "slipping through all the cracks"). Introducing more nuanced or original imagery could enhance emotional resonance and create stronger visual impressions.
3. **Consistency in Tone**:
The poem shifts between a serious, threatening tone and a somewhat casual, conversational style ("he'd come and ruin their day," "he's no longer feeling fine"). Clarifying the intended tone and maintaining consistency throughout would strengthen the poem's overall impact.
4. **Ending and Resolution**:
The final stanza suggests a temporary setback ("A nap was all he needed"), which somewhat diminishes the tension built up earlier. Consider whether this ending effectively conveys the intended message. If the intent is to highlight the cyclical nature of anger and frustration, this could be made clearer through additional context or imagery.
5. **Rhythm and Meter**:
While the rhyme scheme is consistent, the rhythm occasionally feels uneven, particularly in lines like "Someone told, ratted him out, / That was it, he felt so sure." Revising these lines for smoother flow would improve readability and enhance the poem's musicality.
By addressing these points, the poem could achieve greater depth and emotional complexity, allowing readers to connect more fully with the character's internal struggle.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Michael Anthony
3 weeks 4 days ago
Themes of anger and impending
Themes of anger and impending renewal here Geez. Not sure if this is inspired by personal experience, or some other source of your creativity. I like the themes of resiliency in the face of setbacks - enjoyed.
Best
Geezer
3 weeks 4 days ago
This was...
inspired by the story my wife told me about a man who tried to escape from a nursing home that she worked at years ago.
He stuck to the same routine for months; he would go to the locked exit doors at night, and try them, if he was interrupted, he would say that he had weapons and he was going to get out and kill the people that put him in there. He always responded to the nurses or orderlies that he would be back later after he took a nap. Glad that you were intrigued by the theme of a continuing endeavor. I imagine that he felt abandoned and I tried hard to make it understood how angry he was. ~ Geez.
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Wallyroo92
3 weeks 4 days ago
Retreat and Rehab...
Excellent rhythm, rhyme and flow, from beginning to end
It seems that rest is key here, allowing some time to gather one's thoughts, and who knows the feelings may be the next day.
Great work.
Geezer
3 weeks 4 days ago
Thank you...
for your read and comments. I hope you read my explanation of the story in my reply to Micheal, that is the story behind this story. ~ Geez.
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Ruby Lord
3 weeks 4 days ago
Hi Geezer, I'm glad you
Hi Geezer, I'm glad you explained the reasoning behind this poem, it makes more sense now and I have to admit, it is a harrowing thought, to be locked away and left. Once I'd read the story, I felt it and it's always better to feel the story behind the poem. Good job, Ruby xx
Candlewitch
2 weeks 5 days ago
Locked Away...
where you feel displaced and everything is taken out of your own hands! This takes me back in time... I understand the feelings more than is healthy... but I respect the poem. I liked these lines, they stood out for me:
No tracks left, invisible
he's slipping through all the cracks.
Yes, he'll soon be leaving here,
he's not ever coming back.
hugs xxx Cat