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Jun 10, 2025
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Over our collective figurative eyes commander in chief pulls wool...
because you watch
and see that democracy will unspool
military (intelligent)
industrial complex tool
at Trump's beck and call,
where hardened soldiers
train the crosshairs of their firearms
against innocent bystanders,
especially targeting
supposedly nonestablishmentarians
(like this rebel without a clause),
who embraces win/win conflict resolution
shouting thru a megaphone
while standing atop a toady stool,
hence deployment of National Guard troops
doth adumbrate military rule
presaging a violent future,
where blood will pool
renting asunder complex edifice
once upon a time,
(perhaps such story a myth)
housing the land of the free
and home of the brave newel
allowing, enabling and providing,
a metaphorical stairway to heaven
initially linkedin to Lemuel
metaphysically meaning Godward,
but interpreted by this atheist
analogous to traversing steps
that become ever more steep
challenging one to climb
toward priceless crowning jewel.
Martial law on the near horizon,
where the grateful dead souls wake
(me up when September ends)
courtesy thunder of war
and trumpeting brass
faint echoes of
"Always Ready, Always There,"
where usurpers, and traitors of freedom take
away vaunted, and cherished inalienable rights
soundcloud heard increasing in volume
amidst the shimmering waves of heat
radiating off the scorched earth policy
to destroy leaves of grass
fomenting civilians to take up arms
witnessing aggressive suppression
fighting machine launched
deliberately creating chaotic eruption
loosing hostility across earth, wind and fire
while Doobie Brothers smoking a joint
nasty brutes attacking
erroneously hashtagging those accused
of jump/kick starting purported upheaval
when thugs the real lawless culprits
no matter majority
of ordinary people helpless, defenseless
impossible mission to escape
onslaught of fired tear gas
towards peaceful protesters,
where life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness
for all living things great and small
smoldering after burning at the stake.
Another American Civil War in the offing
in this case pitting the fruit of the loom
narcissistic dictator wannabe
against what the commander in chief
refers to as losers,
those enlisted men and women,
who voluntarily gave
the full measure of their lives
not only at Gettysburg,
but fourscore and seven years prior
to thwart tyrannical treatment imposed
by King George III of Great Britain
and Ireland during
the American Revolution.
His policies and actions are widely
seen as contributing
to the growing tensions
that led to the conflict.
Now the forty seventh president
set on a demolition course
obliterating any vestige
of those founders field of dreams
risking life and limb
to dare shuck off the shackles
of monarchical British rule,
and would be rolling in their graves
if they could witness the travesty
of monomaniacal hegemony
of one self proclaimed demagogue
for life dead set
on annexation of Greenland
(the world's largest island
which is not a continent),
an autonomous territory
controlled by Denmark
chock a block flush and rife
with exploitation of mining
for rare earth minerals, uranium and iron.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
2 weeks 1 day ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem tackles a complex and charged political subject with a dense, allusive style that combines historical references, contemporary commentary, and metaphorical language. The ambition to weave together themes of democracy, militarization, civil unrest, and historical memory is evident, but the poem’s effectiveness is somewhat hindered by certain structural and tonal challenges.
1. **Structure and Flow**: The poem is presented as a single, continuous block of text without stanza breaks, which can make it difficult for readers to navigate the shifts in imagery and argument. Introducing stanza breaks or more deliberate pacing could help clarify transitions between ideas—such as moving from the critique of the military-industrial complex to the metaphor of the stairway to heaven, or from the historical reflections to the contemporary political critique.
2. **Clarity and Accessibility**: The poem employs a high density of allusions and complex vocabulary (e.g., “adumbrate,” “nonestablishmentarians,” “monomaniacal hegemony”), which may challenge readers’ comprehension. While intellectual rigor is valuable, balancing this with clearer phrasing or contextual clues would make the poem more accessible and impactful. For example, the parenthetical aside “(like this rebel without a clause)” is a clever play on words but might momentarily disrupt the poem’s tone.
3. **Tone and Voice**: The poem oscillates between formal, almost academic diction and colloquial or pop-cultural references (e.g., “me up when September ends,” “Doobie Brothers smoking a joint,” “soundcloud heard increasing in volume”). This juxtaposition can be effective in conveying the chaotic and multifaceted nature of the subject, but it risks unevenness. Consider whether a more consistent tone might strengthen the poem’s voice or if the shifts serve a deliberate purpose that could be emphasized.
4. **Imagery and Metaphor**: The poem uses vivid and sometimes unexpected imagery—“leaves of grass” being destroyed, “smoldering after burning at the stake,” “metaphorical stairway to heaven”—which enrich the text. However, some metaphors could be developed further for greater resonance. For instance, the “stairway to heaven” metaphor is intriguing but feels somewhat disconnected from the surrounding political critique; expanding this image or linking it more explicitly to the poem’s themes could enhance cohesion.
5. **Historical and Political Commentary**: The poem’s engagement with American history and political critique is ambitious and timely. However, the dense layering of references (Gettysburg, King George III, Greenland annexation) might benefit from more focused exploration. Narrowing the scope or selecting fewer historical touchstones could allow for deeper reflection and emotional impact.
6. **Syntax and Punctuation**: The poem’s free-flowing syntax and minimal punctuation create a breathless, urgent effect, but at times this hinders readability. Strategic use of punctuation could provide necessary pauses and emphasis, helping readers absorb complex ideas without losing momentum.
In summary, the poem presents a rich tapestry of political and historical concerns with a bold, unrestrained style. Refining its structural clarity, balancing tone, and deepening key metaphors would enhance its communicative power and emotional resonance.
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Roscoe Lane
2 weeks 3 days ago
Nail on head.
Nail on head you have hit, soldier or not no one should point a gun at their own countryman unless there is mortal danger to themselves or innocent bystanders.
Love Roscoe....