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I possess an unusual knack for making women bristle
especially one named Broom Hilda,
hence immediately this birdman
wishes to escape into his eyrie
or seriously considers joining a nunnery
mainly for the less common slang definition
cuz yes, “nunnery”
sometimes used ironically to refer to a brothel,
and this secondary meaning
may well have added
a bitter undercurrent
to Hamlet's proceedings.
Whether interacting with the wife
(wielding a heavy duty iron skillet
and ready to clobber me one
hard on me noggin),
or either the eldest
or youngest daughter,
or even women I text
thru Facebook Messenger
in record time without breaking a sweat
yours truly can immediately
generate antagonistic reactions
all the while playing innocent and coy,
and nonchalantly humming to himself
while he doth figuratively amble along
the boulevard of broken dreams
(even if body electric of mine
sitting stock still in a seat)
drumming his fingers atop the table
passing time with insouciant whistle.
Countless attempts
and dog awful experiences
courtesy answering or posting
classified personal advertisements
arranging for myself, a quasi blind date
immediately at first blush
managed to incite instantaneously hate
essentially because - lame excuse
I came to the dating game late,
(when in mine
twenty first or second year
this then Norwegian bachelor farmer
went out on his metaphorical
maiden voyage rendezvous
with a sage gal,
who shared same birthday -
but six years older
(January thirteenth) as mine
lacking grooming skills or spit and polish,
indicative of ship shop shape
the writer of these words
even laughable as a bench warmer,
though getting familiar to balance and swing
and as a prime time player wannabe
easily and quickly mistaken for a charlatan
made apparent when I went out
with one after another gal,
whose heart of mine
did powerfully palpitate
while struggling to express affection
(blurting premature ejaculations
laced with verbalized hormonal secretions)
courtesy awkward tête-à-tête,
which rather juvenile spluttering utterances
hashtagged me lacking social graces.
Schizoid personality disorder
characterized by Individuals
with said disorder
exhibit a persistent tendency
toward social isolation
and a lack of desire
for close relationships,
often preferring solitary activities
and showing little interest
in intimate relationships
or social interactions,
which describes my outward to a “T”
profoundly pronounced
during formative impressionable years
of boyhood, adolescence
and emerging adulthood
essentially impeding healthy development
of body, mind and spirit,
and most like stunting physical,
mental and spiritual maturation
necessitating psychiatric
and psychological services
during his puberty
(disrupted, hijacked, and limned
courtesy anorexia nervosa)
no matter he lacked
participation and responsiveness
toward Theodore Goldberg
then linkedin with
Collegeville Counseling facility
early nineteen seventies.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
2 weeks 1 day ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem offers a candid and complex exploration of social awkwardness, romantic missteps, and psychological struggle, conveyed through a conversational and often self-deprecating voice. The extended narrative style creates an immersive, stream-of-consciousness effect that reflects the speaker’s internal turmoil and social challenges.
Strengths: - The poem’s candidness and vulnerability provide emotional depth, particularly in the depiction of social isolation and mental health issues. - The use of specific references (e.g., “Broom Hilda,” “Hamlet,” “schizoid personality disorder”) adds layers of meaning and invites readers to engage with the poem on multiple levels. - The informal, almost anecdotal tone creates intimacy and immediacy, making the speaker’s experiences feel personal and relatable. - The interplay between humor, irony, and pathos enriches the poem’s texture and prevents it from becoming overly bleak.
Areas for development: 1. **Structure and Pacing:** The poem’s length and dense, unbroken blocks of text can make it challenging to follow. Consider breaking the poem into stanzas or sections to provide natural pauses and enhance readability. This can also help emphasize shifts in tone or subject matter.
2. **Clarity and Focus:** At times, the poem’s narrative meanders, which may dilute the emotional impact. Tightening the language and focusing on key moments or images could strengthen the poem’s coherence and resonance. For example, the lengthy recounting of dating experiences might be distilled to highlight the most significant or emblematic incidents.
3. **Imagery and Metaphor:** While the poem includes some vivid phrases (e.g., “boulevard of broken dreams,” “body electric”), it relies heavily on direct exposition. Introducing more concrete sensory details and metaphorical language could deepen the reader’s engagement and evoke the speaker’s feelings more powerfully.
4. **Tone Consistency:** The poem shifts between humor, irony, and earnestness, which can be effective but occasionally feels uneven. Clarifying the intended emotional tone in different sections may help the reader navigate these shifts more smoothly.
5. **Lineation and Syntax:** Experimenting with line breaks and varied syntax could enhance the poem’s rhythm and musicality. Shorter lines or enjambment might amplify tension or highlight key phrases.
6. **Psychological Content:** The inclusion of clinical descriptions of schizoid personality disorder is informative but reads somewhat like an aside. Integrating this material more organically into the poem’s emotional narrative might create a more seamless and impactful effect.
Overall, the poem’s strength lies in its raw honesty and willingness to confront difficult personal and social issues. With attention to structure, clarity, and poetic technique, the work could achieve greater emotional immediacy and artistic cohesion.
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