Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Jun 12, 2025
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Unrequited love for life
My body know’s it
And you know it too
That sitting in these sorrows
Is all that I can do.
I reach for a hand
To pull me up for air
But I’ve grabbed at nothing
Because there’s no one there.
So I climb into my once warm bed
Wrapped in subpar feelings
The cold begins to creep in
Down through the ceiling.
The frost whispers that it’s kind
As it eats away my mind
So I lay
So I decay
I let it swallow my memories
As it morphs into them
Now I’ve watched it devour for centuries
It tells me that you are what you eat
So why is it you?
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Seasonal depression
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem effectively conveys a deep sense of isolation and emotional desolation, using vivid imagery to explore the experience of unrequited love and its toll on the self. The progression from physical sensations ("My body know’s it") to the metaphorical "frost" creeping in and devouring memories creates a haunting atmosphere that aligns well with the theme.
A few areas could be refined to enhance clarity and impact:
1. **Grammar and Word Choice:** The contraction "know’s" should be "knows" without the apostrophe. This small correction will help maintain the poem’s professionalism.
2. **Imagery Consistency:** The line "The cold begins to creep in / Down through the ceiling" is intriguing but somewhat confusing spatially. Typically, cold would come from above (through the roof) or below (through the floor). Clarifying this could strengthen the image. For example, "down through the window" or "through the cracks" might be more intuitive.
3. **Pacing and Line Breaks:** Some lines, such as "So I lay / So I decay," are powerful but could be emphasized further by isolating them or adjusting the spacing to give the reader a moment to absorb the weight.
4. **Metaphorical Depth:** The closing lines—"It tells me that you are what you eat / So why is it you?"—introduce a compelling metaphor but feel slightly abrupt. Expanding on this idea or weaving it more seamlessly into the preceding stanzas could provide a stronger resolution or thematic closure.
5. **Tone and Voice:** The poem maintains a somber, introspective tone throughout, which suits the subject matter. However, varying sentence structures or incorporating more sensory details might deepen the emotional resonance.
Overall, the poem captures the pain of unreciprocated affection with evocative language and metaphor. With some attention to clarity and structural polish, its emotional impact could be heightened further.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
3 months 2 weeks ago
Unrequited Love For Life
Hello, zuella,
The title says it all - very clever, and supports the theme really well. A very strong ending.
Best regards to you,
L