ENVENOMED WITCH

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem explores a tense and vivid moment between two characters, capturing a shift in power and emotional dynamics. The imagery is strong, particularly in the physical descriptions of the man’s drinking and subsequent distress, as well as the woman’s changing demeanor and departure. The metaphor of a “love spell” failing adds an intriguing layer, suggesting themes of control, dependency, or disillusionment.

To enhance the poem’s impact, consider the following:

1. **Line Breaks and Punctuation:** Some lines feel uneven or slightly awkward in flow. For example, “raised his square whiskey / glass, while she watched him” could be restructured for smoother reading. Introducing more deliberate punctuation might help clarify rhythm and pacing, guiding the reader through the shifts in mood.

2. **Word Choice and Clarity:** Phrases like “turning beat root red” seem to aim for “beetroot red,” but the current form disrupts clarity. Revisiting such phrases for precision will strengthen the imagery. Additionally, “on an slant” might be better as “at a slant” or “on a slant” depending on intended meaning.

3. **Consistency in Tone:** The poem’s tone shifts from observational to somewhat clinical (“charging into furniture,” “slapping his hands to his throat”) and then to sensual (“the sway of her wide / sensual hips”). Balancing these tones more deliberately could deepen the emotional resonance. For instance, expanding on the woman’s perspective or internal state might add complexity to her “self interest.”

4. **Metaphorical Development:** The “love spell” metaphor is compelling but could be more fully developed or integrated. Is the spell literal, symbolic of attraction, or a commentary on manipulation? Clarifying this could enrich the thematic depth.

5. **Grammar and Syntax:** Minor grammatical issues, such as “on an slant” and “Her shape leaving his dying / body to start a new family,” where the verb tense and subject agreement could be tightened, would improve readability.

Overall, the poem captures a moment charged with tension and transformation. Refining its technical elements and deepening its thematic exploration would enhance its emotional and narrative power.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact

Hi Jokerface, your poem has promise and I like its macabre tale. 

I think you're metaphors feel a little overloaded at times? Perhaps you're trying too hard to get your imagery across? 

And this part, needs looking at again, repetition? Hope this helps, Ruby xx

Her venomous eyes bit into his
with venom.

I see 6, maybe 7? Could be just me? Ruby xx