Perfect view!

Walking in the rain today,
I saw two stallions approach.
Their manes were white and wispy,
with mud all over their backs.

The moon was full like lightning
It showed through the murky sky.
The stallions all ran away!
they couldn’t stay all penned up!

They needed the freedom
to dance and prance.
It was a beautiful thing to behold
on that blustery day!

The guitar I bought, I sold it back
with no intention of playing again.
That part of my life had come to an end
in not such a wonderful way!

The only thing that I needed now,
was to gaze at your beautiful face!
I looked intently for that perfect view,
but knew the sun would return.

It always makes It’s way around
and creates a beautiful rainbow day!
Your innocent smile and laughter
have helped me along my way.

You're the only person that I trust.
My life is yours to do with what you please,
I am your servant and slave!
I won’t have it another way!

Remember the love that we feel
That will never go away!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This isn't my greatest work, but I said what I wanted to say. Love is something that a person feels and not thinks. You never know which way things will turn. sometimes for good or bad. You can never go wrong when you follow a true path. To meditate is a good thing that will take you to a special place. A place in which you are mentally safe. A place to learn and grow with the one you love. you can foster a fire or stomp it out, but the embers will always remain! Only you can take it away!

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom , and all of the poets at neo.

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Comments

neopoet

1 month 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem moves through a series of vivid images and emotional reflections, creating a narrative arc from observation of nature to personal revelation. The opening stanzas use the motif of stallions in the rain, which can be read as a metaphor for freedom and untamed emotion. The transition from external imagery (the horses, the weather) to internal experience (the selling of the guitar, the search for a "perfect view") marks a shift from the physical world to the speaker's inner life.

The poem’s structure is loosely organized, with stanzas varying in length and focus. This freeform approach allows for a sense of spontaneity, but it can also lead to abrupt transitions. For example, the move from the horses to the guitar feels sudden, and the connection between these images is not fully developed. Strengthening the transitions or clarifying the symbolic relationships between these elements could create a more cohesive narrative.

Imagery is strongest in the first half, particularly in the description of the stallions and the weather. Lines such as "Their manes were white and wispy, / with mud all over their backs" are concrete and evocative. The line "The moon was full like lightning" is more ambiguous; the simile is unconventional, and its meaning is unclear. Further attention to simile and metaphor throughout the poem could enhance clarity and impact.

The latter half of the poem shifts to direct address and emotional confession. The tone becomes more declarative and less imagistic, relying on statements of trust and devotion. Phrases such as "My life is yours to do with what you please, / I am your servant and slave!" are explicit and risk veering into cliché. Exploring these emotions through more specific images or actions could create a stronger emotional resonance.

The poem concludes with a reaffirmation of enduring love. The final lines return to the theme of constancy, but the language remains general. Consider developing the imagery or narrative further to avoid abstraction and to maintain the vividness established at the beginning.

Overall, the poem demonstrates a willingness to explore personal transformation through nature and relationship. Greater attention to transitions, metaphorical clarity, and specificity in emotional expression could strengthen the poem’s cohesion and impact.

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