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Aug 30, 2025
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At A Window - revised
Her squinting eyes and puckered face
poised to paint beneath the branch
a wounded mouth, a gloomy cheek;
the greening leaves bear too much weight
and brush the gloves thrown on the path.
She knows those fingers, knows their past,
what poignancies they represent,
that clutch for someone out of frame.
If canvas could but capture noise
and catch the rustle of a bush,
the rattle of a passing cart,
that stillness of a mother and child
ghosted at a window.
Original
Her squinting eyes and puckered face
poised to paint beneath the branch
a wounded mouth, a gloomy cheek;
the greening leaves depend too much
and brush the glove thrown on the path.
She knows those fingers, knows their past,
an empty clutch that fills the frame.
If canvas could but capture noise
and catch the rustle of a bush,
the rattle of a passing cart,
that stillness of a mother and child
ghosted at a window.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Geezer
4 weeks ago
Connections...
Beneath the [branch]? greening leaves depending too much; [on what?]
The rather ambiguous direction this piece has taken is made right in the end,
with the lines of:
"If canvas could but capture noise
and catch the rustle of a bush,
the rattle of a passing cart,
that stillness of a mother and child
ghosted at a window."
My suggestion is to give a little connection to the theme, by telling or showing the thread that connects the greening leaves, the glove thrown on the path and the empty clutch filling the frame. Maybe build from the stanza I have quoted, it is the most powerful part of the poem. ~ Geezer.
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Ray Miller
4 weeks ago
Revised
Thanks for the comments, Geezer. I've altered it a bit, though I doubt it's much clearer. It's not that clear to me. I think I was originally trying to capture a scene in a book, that was perhaps by Virginia Woolf, a painting that leaves much unstated. Something like that.
Geezer
4 weeks ago
I think...
I get what you are going for. Hey, it doesn't cost you anything to go over it again, until you are satisfied.
I also get that you may feel that it's a waste of time, that there are other things that you want to try or do. Maybe keep it for a rainy day when you are looking back to see what you have that needs improvement, a lesson to be learned. ~ Geez.
.