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weirdelf
weirdelf
May 17, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

To be human

To be human

I do it because it is there
And I love to be home and hosed

I take wrong risks
And want to be settled and married.

I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply

I spread my memes,
Not my genes,

I give, love, lose and win

I live.

and I meditate on mortality
having lived extremely,
passionately and fully,
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics, The Mersey Sound, The Beats and, of course, The Bard

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Comments

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

ta mate,

glad it worked for someone. Frankly I expect it to be slammed in critique. Over-use of "I", introspective sentimentality.

But that's what I felt when I wrote it, it is honest to me.

K

Kailashana2

14 years 2 months ago

Jess, is this poem open to

Jess, is this poem open to workshop?

The only critique I offer is to end your poem with

I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply

rather than repeat in the middle of the poem.

Also, maybe because there's an Aussie meaning I don't quite understand *hosed* for me has no value.

~A

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

Not for specific workshop.

mmm, I don't want to end with
I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply
because that panders to artificial concepts of romantic love and life-fulfilment. Will lose the repetition, now you mention it.

"home and hosed" is an old saying, referring to horses being comfortably stabled after a long journey.

K

Kailashana2

14 years 2 months ago

Hmmm. I thought I left a

Hmmm. I thought I left a response. For me, love capitalized is Universal Love, that can and does include romantic love which is hardly ever artificially pandering except with Hallmark Card type poetry.

Thanks for the explanation of house & hosed, hadn't heard that before.

I too wrote on the same subject this morning, will post after the 24-hr rule. Would be interested in your take, Jess.

~A

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

ok, I get the message

I will impregnate someone first chance I get.
It's on my to-do-list for tomorrow with find a lover.

Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

14 years 2 months ago

Oh this is so neat Jess,

Oh this is so neat Jess,
and I see no reason why "I" should not be used, who said it shouldn't and on what grounds, is it the proletariat that have coined the idea and abominate the sentimentality of the past poets of the Romantic period, I think possibly so, but as Joe says, was t? It all depends on HOW one does this, and if "I" is taboo, then all that I write is so too. Perhaps I hear you say YES, okay, touché, but I shall not discontinue for that. What I write is mine, and I decide what it shall be whatever way it is later judged.

But to return to this little piece, I like it from many points of view.
I like the ending as it is too.

Love Ann.

K

Kailashana2

14 years 2 months ago

I am such a person of whim,

I am such a person of whim, fancy and emotion, mercurial mind. Mostly like a darting hummingbird.

Today, we shall offer this for your perusal:

To be human

I do it because it is there I am
And I love to be home and hosed

I take wrong risks
And want to be settled and married.

I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply

I spread my memes,
Not my genes,

I give, love, lose and win

I live.

and I meditate on mortality
having lived extremely,
passionately and fully,
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.

See, all fixed. ;-) (It's as though you're channeling the Anna meme.) lol

~A

(the last stanza is kick arse!)

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

when giving critique it really helps

to put the changes suggested in [square brackets], the poem re-written makes it really hard to compare.

The line
"I did it because it was there " was a quote from Sir Edmund Hilary after climbing Mount Everest. So it stays.

thanks Anna, you are one of the best, just make it easier for me to see the changes you suggest.

Pamela A. Lamppa

Pamela A. Lamppa

14 years 2 months ago

Raw - Edgy

To have lived fully is probably the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
Makes me want to dance on the moon tonight - or at least in the moonlight if the fancy strikes me.

"home and hosed"

?

wearing socks or taken advantage of?
Help me with a bit of clarification here - I have a feeling I am not quite getting your meaning.

All in all, this made me feel good. I wanted to say YES! I am going to live for me and make the most of it. A good way to begin the day. Thank you. ~Pamela

.

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

a confession

one of my favourite plays is "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" by Tom Stoppard.

There are a few references to that play in this poem, but some missing are
"We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us and all we have left is the memory of the smell of smoke and that once our eyes watered""

Rottiestyl

Rottiestyl

14 years 2 months ago

LOL!

I LOVED IT!! This is all YOU Jess. This is a calmer version of the one I met many years ago but still the essence of you remains. If I died tomorrow, it would piss me off, but it wouldn't kill me. There has to a publication somewhere that holds a yearly contests for new and upcoming quotes of the century, this has got my vote, lol!!!

I love you Jess - you're the man

Kim
(V)

Rottiestyl

Rottiestyl

14 years 1 month ago

you are very welcome -

you are very welcome - straight from the soul right back at you. I love this. Just as authentic as it can get!

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

14 years 1 month ago

Dear Jess,

I find this piece to be uniquely, YOU! A good read and insights into your Jess-ness! I particularly liked the lines:

and I meditate on mortality
having lived extremely,
passionately and fully,
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.

but, I would remove (and) from the first line of :

and I meditate on mortality

also, what does the word "memes" mean?

always, Cat

Genuine Breath

Genuine Breath

13 years 7 months ago

Let's share a thought here!

What are your thoughts about the overuse of "I"?

A dear mentor (on another poetry site) once told me that, it's the poet's biggest trap... I have been reading your verses today, I stopped at this one because I deeply like the message and to ask my question as well.

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 7 months ago

"I" is a "trap for young players"

Its over-use can take away from the accessibility and universality of a poem, making it introverted and selfish.

Judging by the critical response I got away with it in this piece. Possible because the themes are fairly universal.

Geremia

Geremia

13 years 7 months ago

if I died tomorrow

if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.

Great lines. You are showing your humaniy, buddy, and writing damn good poetry.

Joe

Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

13 years 7 months ago

...leaves one thinking INSIDE OUT

I have just seen now what Joe wrote so well above;
but I too had come back here and reread this poem,
its a great lark of a poem to me, has humour and despair,
all the human elements in good ration
and leaves one thinking INSIDE OUT,
the I gets lost and becomes the ME
as we somersault about in your thoughts.

That's what it did for me
Just Ann of the north.