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Dec 03, 2025
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Move on over International House of Pancakes!
Apartment b44 exuded
aroma of pancake house
yum...yum... eat 'em up
(like fish heads) already,
spat out the spouse
cause the husband
(that person in question
would be me) did grouse,
but just being my usual louse
who when character assassinated,
emasculated, intimidated and ostracized
among other unpleasantries
courtesy the no nonsense spouse,
or some other iron maiden
who becomes tyrannical
towards yours truly
I (no surprise) -
unlike when a little boy
expecting a toy
in a cracker jack box becomes
became quiet as a mouse.
"Hey Diddle Diddle"
the cat and the fiddle,
the cow jumped over the moon,"
while the wife consigned
herself to the griddle
making me a he-man sized
Mickey Mouse slapjack,
one cooked within the middle
of the non free humongous skillet,
(which she often used
to chase after
her pesky husband,
when he figuratively
triggered a spat),
nevertheless sold out custom
made hotcakes from leftovers
lengthened as the line
snaked and inched along
(like the the itsy bitsy spider
who climbed up the waterspout)
far as the eye could see,
which sold out in seconds
courtesy secret recipe, which
appeased the madding crowd,
(which my mother
took that secret formula
of ingredients with her,
when she passed away
twenty years ago
this passed May fifth)
not counting the millions,
who collected at
a stadium sized venue
starring top-notch musicians
to raise money for this,
that or some other charity
after the dee jays gave the cue
videlicet particular details
to the rapt listeners across
the webbed wide world
after they (the announcers
iterated repeatedly spectacular venue
broadcast from a United Kingdom
based online event
ticketing platform and raffled off,
where and how to activate
a digital entry method
like a QR code or a mobile app,
or alternative physical items
such as passes, vouchers,
wristbands, or a photo of the ticket
or once tickets sold out
to find and buy at sky high prices
getting figuratively scalped
(money wise) toupee
for a once in a lifetime experience
while food vendors
and merchants from
one generation to the next
proffered exotic culinary eats
panning and offering samples
of their mouth watering cuisine
linkedin to regional specialty
this said established food truck
self employed families
staked out designated territory
pleasantly distributed savory dishes
witnessing Pavlovian responses
from standers by
to the commingling
of tasty entrees
and hors d'oeuvres
did not necessitate shouting out
pan handled comestibles
which delightful aromas
whet the appetite for consumption
plus countless other activities
for a wide range of events
like festivals, club nights,
and live music of Green Day,
which punk rockers just so
happened to be a riddle
wrapped in a mystery
inside an enigma,
to the beatnik generation.
The compelling mishmash
ofttimes called pop slop
you would be mistaken
to turn up your nose dear reader
for ofttimes appearances
happened to be deceptive
and what one would
not feed to a hog
tasted across the gamut
from delicious to orgasmically rich,
especially of a hungry heart.
When stricken with the appetite of a whale,
I hop along and embellish tall tale
trying to be able, eager, and ready
to contra dance quasi quail
flapping my pretend wings
(at the speed of sound)
soaring ever higher (think Icarus)
across the enclave of Northvale,
a borough in Bergen County,
New Jersey, known for suburban
feel and proximity to New York City
and made a soft landing
within a large bed of kale.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
4 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem presents a sprawling, free-associative narrative that intertwines domestic scenes, personal reflections, cultural references, and sensory details. The ambition to capture a wide range of experiences and emotions is evident, but the poem’s effectiveness is hindered by several structural and stylistic challenges.
1. **Clarity and Focus**: The poem meanders through many images and ideas—pancakes, marital conflict, childhood memories, music festivals, food vendors, and local geography—without a clear organizing principle or thematic throughline. This diffusion makes it difficult for readers to grasp the poem’s central message or emotional core. Consider narrowing the focus or using stronger transitions to guide the reader through the shifts in subject matter.
2. **Lineation and Punctuation**: The poem’s irregular line breaks and sparse punctuation contribute to a sense of breathlessness and confusion. While a conversational, stream-of-consciousness style can be effective, here it sometimes obscures meaning. Introducing more deliberate punctuation and varying line lengths could enhance readability and emphasize key moments or images.
3. **Imagery and Metaphor**: Some images are vivid and inventive—such as the “he-man sized Mickey Mouse slapjack” and “a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma”—but others feel overextended or mixed in ways that dilute their impact. For example, the extended pancake metaphor overlaps with domestic strife and public events in a way that can feel disjointed. Strengthening the metaphorical connections or choosing fewer, more resonant images might improve coherence.
4. **Tone and Voice**: The poem oscillates between humor, bitterness, nostalgia, and social commentary. This tonal variety can be engaging but also risks unevenness. Clarifying the speaker’s attitude—whether sardonic, self-deprecating, wistful, or something else—would help unify the poem’s voice.
5. **Syntax and Word Choice**: Some phrases are awkward or confusing (“linkedin to regional specialty,” “did not necessitate shouting out pan handled comestibles”), which interrupts the flow and may distract readers. Revising for clarity and idiomatic usage would strengthen the poem’s accessibility.
6. **Use of Allusions and References**: The poem references nursery rhymes, rock bands, and local geography, which can enrich the text but may also alienate readers unfamiliar with these elements. Providing subtle context or integrating these references more organically could enhance their effect.
In summary, the poem’s expansive scope and energetic voice are promising, but it would benefit from tighter focus, clearer structure, and more deliberate language choices. Working on these areas could help the poem achieve greater emotional resonance and communicative power.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact