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In the cool of the evening
In the cool of the evening
my specters came calling
driving me into the day
They’re hopelessly drawing me
into the morning
leaving me there to decay
My only protection,
came from a warning that came,
which I did not obey
The universe taunted me
with dreams of ecstasy,
which never went my way!
In the end all we wanted
was someone to count on,
you’ll never have it that way
So, live in the moment,
and grant yourself freedom
To simply walk away
You don’t need to fight,
or prove that you’re right
your destiny, well on its way!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I hope that someone will read and maybe enjoy this.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
4 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores the tension between haunting memories or anxieties (“specters”) and the search for solace or agency. The structure is composed of mostly three-line stanzas, with a consistent use of enjambment and end rhyme, though the rhyme scheme is sometimes irregular. The poem moves from a personal struggle in the opening stanzas to a more universal, advisory tone in the final stanzas.
The imagery in the first half—specters, warnings, the universe taunting—effectively establishes a mood of existential unease. The phrase “my specters came calling / driving me into the day” is evocative, suggesting that the past or inner fears are not only nocturnal but persistent into waking life. However, the transition from this personal struggle to the more didactic, self-help tone in the latter half (“So, live in the moment, / and grant yourself freedom / To simply walk away”) is abrupt. This shift risks diluting the emotional complexity established earlier, as the poem moves from ambiguity and tension to resolution and advice.
The use of rhyme is somewhat inconsistent. For example, “calling/day,” “morning/decay,” and “came/obey” do not create a regular pattern, which may be intentional, but the irregularity can be distracting if not clearly purposeful. The exclamation marks in “which never went my way!” and “your destiny, well on its way!” add emphasis, but their placement feels more rhetorical than organic to the poem’s emotional arc.
The poem’s strongest moments are in its concrete images and when it allows ambiguity to linger. The lines “The universe taunted me / with dreams of ecstasy, / which never went my way!” effectively convey longing and disappointment. The closing advice, while earnest, risks cliché (“live in the moment,” “grant yourself freedom”), and might be strengthened by returning to the poem’s earlier imagery or by complicating the resolution.
Overall, the poem’s exploration of internal struggle is compelling, but the transition from personal experience to universal advice could be more nuanced, and the language in the final stanzas might benefit from greater specificity or a return to the poem’s earlier, more evocative images.
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Geezer
4 months 1 week ago
Hey Leslie...
The poem's basis is good, and I do believe that the [ey] of each line ending can be held until the end without deviating from it. Having said that, I do want to point out that you may have to change a couple of lines meanings slightly.
The fifteenth line can be made to say:
[At least that's what we all say].
The last line might be:
[your destiny might be in the day].
The last line would be referring to the beginning and basic premise of the poem.
~ Geez.