Nevel

May 21, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The effects of stale walls

The way she spreads her legs,
like a letter of despair,
as the wind bellies with
a thousand voices,
and her mouth becomes a tomb
of little girls, a cacophony
inside a stale womb -
too warm to sing with an eagle's flight;
angels pressed in her diary,
waiting on their second birth -
'till she borrows a half wing of a casual moon.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Veenendaal in The Netherlands, NLD

Favorite Poets: T.S.Eliot, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Rumi, Hakim Sanai, C.S. Lewis, e.e. Cumming, Tolkien, Basho, Rilke, etc etc.

Comments

Bonitaj

14 years 2 months ago

Wow Nevel!

Difficult to say where to start commenting on this piece... it is anything but stale! Of course the title drew me in and then immediately I was trying to 'put the pieces' into place, contextualizing a) what evoked the imagery b) what the story line was...
As the piece stands, the protagonist is steeped in predictive despair. The mood is dark as is suggested by the metaphors. This one in particular intrigued me
"and her mouth becomes a tomb
of little girls, a cacophony
inside a stale womb"
Juxtaposing 'death' inside the tomb with 'cacophony' seems a little disingenius, but yes, I suppose it works.
My other comment is simply that I would liked to have seen some punctuation. More differenciation of thoughts through sentences - since there is so much to absorb in one sitting.
Good, creative write!
Boni

Nevel

14 years 2 months ago

thanks Boni, for the many

thanks Boni, for the many good ideas to edit it.
(In a tomb---but still alive) is done purposely the strengthen the striking and sad contrast.
Greetings,
Erwin

(a poem a day keeps the doctor away)

vexations10

14 years 2 months ago

I am amazed at

the first six lines! Vivid, solid and captivating. I get lost at cacophony ...... but I am not good at critical comments.

Nevel

14 years 2 months ago

no prblem, it seems I'm

no prblem, it seems I'm neither good at it, glad you liked the first part
greetings,
Erwin

(a poem a day keeps the doctor away)

Nevel

14 years 2 months ago

hi Kal, I appreciate your

hi Kal, I appreciate your crit, I have to admit it appears a bit chaotic.
i wrote it a while ago, before I joined Neopoet. Is it clear to you that the poem is about a sexual abused girl?
Greetings,
Erwin

(a poem a day keeps the doctor away)

Blue_Halcyon

14 years 2 months ago

Awesome poem

I only have one suggestion and it seems trivial when you look at the poem as a whole. 3rd line I'd change "while" to "as" - it just flows a bit smoother to me. Excellent imagery - it strongly portrayed the dark feeling you were trying to convey.

Nevel

14 years 2 months ago

thank you,

thank you,
not trivial to me, to understand the finer nuances of the English language.
Greetings,
Erwin

(a poem a day keeps the doctor away)

Pamela A. Lamppa

14 years 2 months ago

Excellent visuals in interesting and unique word choices.

Wow. This is abstract and visual and so very sad.

The first three lines brought tears - tragic tears
and the mouth a tomb - simply sealed it.

You use words so well in this gem. lines like "letter of despair" and "the wind bellies with a thousand voices". Excellent visuals in interesting and unique word choices.

They evoke the necessary emotion and really drive this poem.

One typo though (and it took me three reads before I caught it)

"speads" should be "spreads"

A very powerful verse my poetic friend. I am so pleased to have popped intot the stream today. ~Pamela

Nevel

14 years 2 months ago

Many thanks Pamela,

Many thanks Pamela,
yeah, it's a sad world sometimes, and this issues are heartbreaking sometimes,
glad I found the right words, minus a tiny typo....
I gonna fix it now.
Greetings,
Erwin

(a poem a day keeps the doctor away)