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Feb 04, 2026
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Leaving you behind
Thunderclouds break,
in a black cloudy sky.
Your image is vague
and I can't see your eyes.
If heaven's vault opens
to greet me,
It might allow
me to cry.
I never have given
much thought to your lies,
but now I'm imagining
your will to survive.
Emotionally adrift,
you stand to defy,
all we've become
with your impenitent smile.
If you do this again,
I'll just tell you goodbye,
You've given me strength
upon which I ride!
I'll walk to the edge
where your demon resides,
then give it a motion
to take off and fly.
You don't have the power,
to take strength from my mind!
I've practiced the art,
of leaving you behind!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I've had some close friends who have fed me with lies, my life is a carousel which you perpetually ride. People get off and on, but no one stays by my side. When I'm sad or lonely I look to the sky. I remember a shooting star that lit up the night. It gave me the courage to continue despite, the feelings of sadness that well up inside. I can dwell on them constantly, or I can decide to push the negativity out of my mind. I'll make a vacuum in which I can hide and rest from the world, possibly for the rest of my life. Just waiting here to talk with God and all that has happened in my 61 years of life!
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
2 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
The poem explores the aftermath of a difficult relationship, using weather and celestial imagery to evoke a sense of emotional turmoil and eventual empowerment. The opening lines establish a somber, stormy atmosphere with "Thunderclouds break, / in a black cloudy sky," which effectively sets the tone for the speaker's internal conflict. The use of "your image is vague / and I can't see your eyes" introduces a sense of distance and ambiguity regarding the subject.
The poem moves between abstract and concrete language. Phrases like "heaven's vault opens / to greet me" and "walk to the edge / where your demon resides" are metaphorical but somewhat generalized; more specificity or unique imagery could help these moments feel more immediate and less familiar. The emotional progression—from pain and confusion to resolve and self-assertion—is clear, but the poem relies on several common expressions ("impenitent smile," "strength upon which I ride," "leaving you behind") that could be made more distinctive.
The structure is consistent, with short stanzas and a regular rhythm, though the poem sometimes sacrifices syntactic clarity for rhyme or meter, as in "then give it a motion / to take off and fly." The logic of "give it a motion" is unclear—consider revising for precision.
The poem’s arc, culminating in the assertion of autonomy ("I've practiced the art, / of leaving you behind!"), is coherent and emotionally resonant. However, the poem would benefit from more concrete details and original language to distinguish the speaker's experience from more generic expressions of heartbreak and resilience. Consider developing the imagery and metaphors further to deepen the reader’s engagement and clarify the emotional stakes.
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