Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Under Neon Lights
I found an old car parked in a dark alleyway
The keys were left in the ignition just by chance
I got in and decided to take it for a spin
When something suddenly caught my curious glance
There was a tape on the seat labeled “83”
So I put the cassette in the tape deck just for fun
A synth-wave of sound flooded the car all around
And once I put it into gear…neon lights come on
As I drove the streetlights seemed a little sharper
There was a vibe in the air I hadn’t felt before
I noticed the people, their clothes and hair styles
When I heard someone yell “hey do you wanna score?”
I was feeling lost in the time trip, this time warp
All the while the beat of the music had me grooving
But when I got on the highway I started going faster
I spotted something that was scary yet soothing
Away from the city lights I could see the night sky
The stars ahead seemed to shine brighter and clearer
The neon lights from the dashboard blinked and flashed
Like spaceship controls when outer space seemed nearer
I began to see the spiral of the milky way
The car drove like it was floating in the air
The highway felt like a roller coaster in the dark
It was thrill that also gave me a good scare
I downshifted and stopped putting the car in park
I stepped out and saw nothing, no one on the road
The night sky seemed so clear away from the city
I was mesmerized by the magic this car bestowed
When I drove back I found the dark alleyway
The city felt different, the buildings, the street signs
All the while the synth-wave played inside the car
I guess the music had let me travel through time
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction: Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Geezer
2 months 1 week ago
My suggestion is...
that you find ways to condense your lines, leaving the same ideas intact.
Example:
An ancient car in a dark alleyway
Keys left in the switch by chance
I decided to take it for a little spin
When something caught my glance
A tape on the seat labeled '83
I put it in the deck for fun
And as I put the car into gear
Blazing neon, hit me son!
I love that you have such original ideas about what to write. You have a good feel for a story.
My suggestion is that you utilize your good vocabulary to your advantage. ~ Geez.
.
Wallyroo92
1 month 3 weeks ago
Under Neon Lights
I gotta say, I've been listening to more music while writing and it makes for nice little trips.
Thank you for your comments and suggestions.
Geezer
1 month 3 weeks ago
I usually...
listen to Steampunk or Blues. Alvin Lee is a new favorite! Depending, ~ Geez.
Wallyroo92
1 month 3 weeks ago
I usually
I will put that on my play list and give it try. Thanks for the suggestion.