New York Hospital Delivers Its Biggest Baby on Record as Parents Say They 'Didn't Expect This'

and already drafting agents
competing swoop like vultures
outbidding each other
to sign up newborn baby
and groom him for the professionals
implementing a policy
waiving child abuse laws
in an effort to exploit
the freedom of birth father and mother
compensating and offering them
handsome lifetime money galore
for essentially trafficking the bruiser,
whose random conception
and debut into the madcap
webbed wide world
a golden ticket entrance
into the sports world
garnering aggressive pitchmen
to outbid each other
subsequently triggering
the likes of an auctioneer
bestowing eminence grise
anointing royalty red carpet treatment
upon a potential minefield
of paparazzi aggressively
showcasing bouncing baby boy
fresh out the womb made
ably eager and ready to wrestle a bear
(albeit cub if you may)
pumping him with steroids
to jump/kick start a career
lest the golden opportunity disappear
once the kiddo packs
on the height and weight dimensions
hashtagged courtesy to feast
with exclusive club
of natural born breakfast of champions
and go to great lengths to engineer
exceptions to the rules
protecting minors
even a major little kahuna
as designated by Hawaiian tribal leaders
expanding the frontier
of human marketability
bestowing top of the line
trappings and gear
witnessing deluge as floodgates
of product endorsements
shower down on that
man and woman who begat heir
and a custom made golden crown
atop full head of hair
and essentially co-opting
rightful parental jurisdiction
that smacks of motives insincere
where wordsmiths busy as never before
(I get big bucks from writing schlock)
birthing an explosion
of English language terms
being coined and generating
an entire dictionary
endowed with logophiles
spinning forth antithetical terms
analogous to the
unflattering meaning of Kafir
where sycophants bow down
to their king who doth leer
which infantile oral sounds
such as a scowl, burbling, gurgling,
and suckling (giant size) pacifier
adorned with precious metals
relegating interpreters
of infantile speech to rank
on par as Oracle of Delphi,
thee most accurately
synonymized as thePythia
(or Pythoness), the high priestess of Apollo
who delivered prophecies
such as the youngest millionaire
whereat other common synonyms
include the Delphic Oracle,
the Oracle of Apollo,
or simply the Temple of Apollo
referring to the site and the individual
delivering, often ambiguous, messages,
but vouchsafed by experts, and treated
with kid gloves whose
days, weeks, months,
et cetera old existence
more potent than any weapon
known to man, woman,
or child and gifting big toddler,
especially the second decade
of twenty first century sunk into nadir
of lawlessness and anarchy,
thus trumpeting human
leviathan as overseer
over all of humanity,
who when taking naps
or when donning the three guise
of wynken blynken and nod
inducing the madding crowd
to stop immediately part way
thru their respective endeavor
and taken as auspicious sign
to bless the little beastie boy in prayer
where momentary peace
to all "Peace to all men"
(or peace on earth,
good will toward men - a concept,
often rooted in Christian, spiritual,
 or ethical traditions,
that defines an active, voluntary,
and universal pursuit of harmony,
goodwill, and reconciliation
with everyone, regardless
of circumstances or differences),
which might seem
universal unconditional concept queer,
(but which context meant
an umbrella term
for sexual and gender minorities
who claim not to be
heterosexual or cisgender)
inducing civilizations
for millenniums into the future
across the globe to revere
the tyke with playfulness
minus any trace of being severe
empowered with pulley ease trochlear
capacity viz a person,
albeit little in this case
who controls a dummy for entertainment—
typically by manipulating movements
while producing a "thrown" voice
without moving their own lips
a so called ventriloquist. 
no matter child-directed speech (CDS),
child-directed language
(CDL) patois unclear
to the vast majority of people
charging the huddled masses
generating spark registered
as volt-ampere (VA)
not a force to be reckoned with
the SI unit of apparent power
in electrical circuits,
calculated as the product
of root mean square (RMS) voltage (V)
and RMS current (A)
Primarily used for rating AC equipment
like transformers representing total power,
whereas watts measure real power.