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Apr 02, 2026
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The Loner
Large and lofty bookshelves lined the lower wall
Sitting, lonely, was a man in whom did lay
Hopes of knowing that there'd come a better day—
He was searching olden tomes to calm his soul.
"Dear, may I..." the phrase was uttered, sounding forth—
Echoes spread around him, breaking focused thought,
Ending peace, the rest he had before then bought—
Dreams of southern lands, thus bringing him back north.
"Dear, yes? Dear, what?" Said, and answered he in turn
Scorching thus his dearest's growing, begging eyes
Asked he, "Have you come to claim your sorry prize?"
Saw he nought, but tears, displayed by torchlight's burn.
Woe and sorrow—senses started flooding back—
Spake he quickly, once again, to calm her heart
"Dear, do stay here; Stay—do not from me depart—"
Late had come his answer, as was heard a crack.
She had left; bereft was he again of hope
Holding nothing but a loos'ning thread of lies
None, except himself received a sorry prize
Only he was left with not a way to cope.
Turning back to tomes unread, his gaze had dropped
To a passage, quickly glancing what it said
Skipping thusly where the murky ink had bled
Where no hope was left, and where all mercy stopped
Turned he over one more page, and left behind
Warnings—written aeons past—and went ahead
Barely noting what his eyes therein had read
Having parted with his soul, he lost his mind.
Just for one minute a moment, I do plead
Listen, heed the word I say of warnings skipped
Do you know what it said, where the ink had dripped
Or it, right this instant, shall I to you read?
"Even kings can beauty often harshly trick
"Even many wisemen love had once enslaved—
"So do not fall prey to such a curse, engraved
"Lest a demon fool you, by the burning wick."
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Second ever fully metric poem I wrote in English.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
neopoet
3 weeks 1 day ago
Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem adopts a formal, archaic diction and meter reminiscent of 19th-century or earlier verse, with inversion of syntax ("in whom did lay," "Saw he nought") and use of poetic contractions ("loos'ning"). The narrative follows a solitary man seeking solace in books, interrupted by a fraught interaction with a "dear" who departs, leaving him in despair. The poem concludes with a direct address to the reader and a warning, presented as a passage from one of the books.
Strengths: - The poem maintains a consistent tone and atmosphere, using diction and syntax to evoke a sense of antiquity and melancholy. - The narrative arc is clear: the protagonist’s isolation is interrupted, then deepened by loss, culminating in a descent into madness or despair. - The final stanzas introduce metafictional elements, breaking the fourth wall and drawing the reader into the poem’s cautionary theme.
Areas for Consideration: - The use of archaic language and inverted syntax, while stylistically consistent, sometimes impedes clarity and naturalness. For example, "in whom did lay / Hopes of knowing..." is grammatically strained, and constructions like "Saw he nought" and "Spake he quickly" may distract rather than immerse. - The rhyme scheme is generally maintained, but some lines strain for rhyme or meter, leading to awkward phrasing ("loos'ning thread of lies," "a moment, I do plead"). Scanning the poem reveals occasional metrical irregularities that disrupt the flow. - The emotional arc relies heavily on abstract nouns ("woe," "sorrow," "hope," "mercy") and summary rather than concrete imagery or sensory detail. The poem could benefit from more vivid, specific description to ground the reader in the scene and the protagonist’s experience. - The relationship between the protagonist and the "dear" is underdeveloped; the dialogue is stylized but lacks emotional specificity, making it difficult to fully engage with their dynamic or the stakes of their interaction. - The transition from narrative to direct address and then to the quoted warning is abrupt. The metafictional turn is intriguing, but the poem could more clearly signal or integrate this shift to avoid disorienting the reader.
Suggestions for Revision: - Consider moderating the use of archaic diction and inversion to balance atmosphere with clarity. - Review the meter and rhyme for consistency, revising lines that feel forced or disrupt the poem’s rhythm. - Incorporate more concrete imagery and sensory details to evoke the protagonist’s environment and emotional state. - Develop the interaction between the protagonist and the "dear" to provide greater emotional depth and specificity. - Smooth the transition to the direct address and the embedded warning, clarifying the relationship between the protagonist’s experience and the poem’s cautionary message.
Overall, the poem demonstrates ambition in its formal choices and narrative structure. Further refinement of language, rhythm, and imagery could enhance its emotional impact and accessibility.
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