Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Apr 11, 2026
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Once again an outstanding raconteur at your service
Severely off key psyche
thus sought out re:
urgent need of a C (see) T (Tee)
(Computed Tomography) scan
courtesy X-rays to create
detailed cross-sectional images
of the brain, skull and sinuses.
Circa ~ month unknown
year nineteen hundred and seventy three
yet don't quote me on that.
Upon arriving for my piano lesson
I experienced what
might get hashtagged
as a nervous breakdown
at the house of Eve Youngblood's
where the daughter
Barbara McCall née Youngblood
taught piano, but that day
became emotionally disastrous
when barely into my lesson
I crumpled to the floor in a heap
and plaintively wailed
"I don't want to be alive"
or something to that effect
and found my whole puny body
plunging into an abyss
no recollection of preceding
nor following events
only this one isolated event
recurring every now and again
like at this moment
or suddenly out of the blue
looms large in my mind
intimating to me then
(a little boy of maybe twelve or thirteen)
best exemplified by the Civil War trilogy
authored by historical
fiction writer Bruce Catton
listed as follows:
The Coming Fury (1961):
Covers the events
leading up to the war
and the first year.
Terrible Swift Sword (1963):
Focuses on the escalation
and major battles of 1862
and last but not least
Never Call Retreat (1965):
Details the final phase
of the war through surrender.
A battle raged within
these lovely bones
pitting legions dressed in gray matter
against those impressed in moody blues
either side sought the advantage
by calling into action drones
which released incendiary* devices
that immediately did shatter
collateral damage whether gentile of Jews
military details called
back to headquarters using smartphones
outing, informing, and escalating information
that soldiers bodies blown apart
strewn across the battlefield
think how Jackson Pollock doth splatter
paint across the canvas
(selling his resultant product
as abstract art
for millions of dollars)
after benefitting at the expense
regarding unfortunate lives
the less fortunate fighters did loose
showcasing a perfect
example of schadenfreude -
the primary term
for taking pleasure
in another person's tragedy
or misfortune called schadenfreude,
a German loanword
frequently used in English
to describe joy derived
from another's pain.
Other related concepts
include gloating, exploiting,
or using "the victim derby"
for selfish gain, while
"epicaricacy" ranks as
an older, rare synonym.
When severely injured fighters,
the crème de la crème
immediately rushed to improvise triage units
one brain surgeon after another
could not believe their eyes
forsooth no exaggeration
needed in the extreme
cause nestled within the head
of each and every killed veteran
one could see tinker tailor soldier spy
itty bitty teensy weensy
model militia men
arranged in a mortal
deadly kombat scheme
though lifeless corpses
littered the former
field of dreams,
when absolute zero noise descended,
one survivor (many a foreigner)
after another swore
they could hear many a scream
which senseless, purposeless
and baseless price for war
(which is not healthy for children
and other living things),
when staggering loss of bone, flesh,
and sinew therefore
a much more humane methodology
to resolve conflicts
needs to be implemented
and the best in show resolution
our United States government dreamt up
constitutes what the president trumpeted
as Automatic Registration,
Not to be confused
with a Draft of which Congress approved,
and President Trump
signed into law
in December 2025,
a provision for automatic registration
for the Selective Service System (SSS)
as part of the fiscal 2026
National Defense Authorization Act.
Again, I ask myself
why in the name of Sam Hill
must so much energy and time
be invested to mold
and train raw recruits
into a lean mean fighting machine,
not just this twenty first century,
but all throughout
the annals of civilization,
where the military industrial complex
garners (ed) a humongous
chunk of the economy.
Many people the electorate
voted to represent true value
government merely spouts
"Diametrically opposed" opinions
means two ideas, opinions,
or people completely,
directly, and absolutely opposite
to one another, leave no
figurative middle ground or compromise.
Derived from the concept
of a diameter in a circle, said word
implies maximum separation,
such as being
at opposite ends of a spectrum.
*Incendiary refers to substances, devices, or speech designed to cause fires or provoke intense anger, strife, and violence. It describes something that ignites, either physically (like a bomb) or metaphorically (like inflammatory remarks). Synonyms include inflammatory, inciting, treacherous, and arsonous, not to mention asinine.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: odd how a single fragment of my past (as a prepubescent piano player, who experienced a severely plummeting psyche) with nothing remembered before or after said unexpected emotional rupture, nor nothing remembered after. twas just one singular sensation.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
1 week 6 days ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem presents a sprawling, free-associative meditation that moves from a personal crisis to historical and political commentary, weaving together medical imagery, Civil War references, and contemporary military policy. The ambition to connect intimate experience with broader social and historical themes is clear, but this breadth also presents challenges in coherence and focus.
Strengths and potential areas for development:
1. **Narrative and Thematic Scope**: The poem ambitiously spans a wide range of topics—from a childhood emotional breakdown and medical imaging to Civil War battles and modern military policy. This scope can be compelling but risks overwhelming the reader. Consider ways to tighten the thematic focus or to create clearer transitions between the disparate elements. For example, the shift from the personal crisis to the Civil War trilogy and then to modern military policy could be bridged more smoothly with connective imagery or motifs.
2. **Imagery and Metaphor**: The metaphor of the internal battle as a Civil War fought within the brain is vivid and evocative. The use of “legions dressed in gray matter against those impressed in moody blues” cleverly plays on both historical uniforms and brain anatomy. However, some extended metaphors—such as drones releasing incendiary devices and the comparison to Jackson Pollock’s splattered paint—feel somewhat forced or overly literal. Refining these images to be more subtle or symbolically resonant might enhance their impact.
3. **Tone and Voice**: The poem’s tone shifts between clinical description, historical recounting, and conversational asides (e.g., “don’t quote me on that,” “think how Jackson Pollock doth splatter”). These shifts can create a dynamic voice but also risk disrupting the poem’s rhythm and unity. Consider whether these asides serve the poem’s overall effect or if they might be streamlined for greater cohesion.
4. **Form and Structure**: The poem’s free verse form allows for a conversational and exploratory feel, but the lack of consistent stanza breaks or rhythmic patterns can make the poem feel sprawling and diffuse. Introducing more deliberate structural elements—such as stanza divisions that group related ideas or a recurring refrain—could help organize the poem’s complex content.
5. **Use of Definitions and Explanations**: The inclusion of definitions (e.g., “schadenfreude,” “incendiary”) adds an educational layer but interrupts the narrative flow. These could be integrated more organically, perhaps through metaphor or allusion, rather than direct explanation, to maintain poetic momentum.
6. **Historical and Political References**: The references to the Civil War trilogy and the 2025 Selective Service registration law ground the poem in specific contexts but may date the poem or alienate readers unfamiliar with these details. Balancing specificity with universality can help the poem resonate more broadly.
7. **Emotional Resonance**: The poem’s opening depiction of a childhood emotional crisis is a powerful entry point. Developing this emotional core more fully throughout the poem—returning to the personal voice amid the broader commentary—could deepen the reader’s engagement.
In summary, this poem contains rich and provocative material but would benefit from tighter focus, more cohesive structure, and refined imagery to fully realize its potential. Balancing the personal and political, the historical and contemporary, in a way that feels unified and emotionally compelling will strengthen the poem’s impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
1 week 4 days ago
I have to agree...
You could wander a little less across some fields,
and certainly make allowances for the less interested in how many ways to describe, what was it? incendiary, I believe. I do admire your eclectic taste in music and interest in history. Another nice, emotional ride for the ego of man. ~ Geez.