Race_9togo

Jun 07, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

After

The Low Road home is mine to take
for in the bitter ending of my time
when I can no longer stand the grief
of cherished loved ones left behind

I will soar across the white-capped ocean
towards those islands rising green up from the sea
I will cross the rocky shorelines
thick with seaweed and sleek seals

and by the still and quiet waters of Loch Sunart
I will meet you, where sun kisses cloud
upon the summits of emerald mountains
and burnishes the red flame of your hair

we will walk together, once again,
and in my guilt at fleeing your death,
then leaving she who filled my life
and gave me sons I would have
made with you had you not gone from me
I will ask of you forgiveness

and standing by your side upon
the farthest western edge of Alba
looking back to those I love and wait for
I will ask of your smiling beauty
If in those decades without you
I lived enough for both of us

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMyfl66C4yc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl6hlq5vxv8&feature=related

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.

Comments

Race_9togo

14 years 1 month ago

Thanks Lonnie

Glad that you enjoyed this one!

Race_9togo

14 years 1 month ago

Hey Eph

Thanks man. haven't seen you in awhile.

Race_9togo

14 years 1 month ago

Rosina

Stop apologizing lol its a WORKSHOP. I edited according to your criticism, although I didn't take them all out.
Thanks Hun

Race_9togo

14 years 1 month ago

Thanks Kal

The Stanza in question is neccessary, but I see exactly what you mean, so I will try a re-write.

Candlewitch

14 years 1 month ago

Dear Jim,

I found these lines most effective:

we will walk together, once again,
and in my guilt at leaving you
then leaving she who filled my life
and gave me sons I would have made with you
had you not gone from me
I will ask of you forgiveness

I feel the deep longing and regret In these lines. Maybe there is someone like that in all of our lives. Someone who we just couldn't work it out with, so we had to move on. I know I will never forget...

A beautiful and poignant piece.

always, Cat

Race_9togo

14 years 1 month ago

Cat

Your comment revealed to me a failing in this poem, a failure in what I was trying to convey, so I will re-write a part.
Thanks.

scribbler

14 years 1 month ago

Hi Jim

Such hopeful regret. I enjoyed this journey, but have a few road patches that might smooth the way lol :
s-2,l-2 omit up (redundant with rising)
s-4,l-4 and 5 This is a bit unclear to me. Might try something like:
and gifted me sons
I would rather have made with you
had you not left

last line try : Did I live enough for both of us? or some variation to add impact....just a few thing you can consider ..........stan

Race_9togo

14 years 1 month ago

Hey Stan,

Geez man I'm sorry I missed your comments, I'll take them all under consideration, thanks for them, and for enjoying.

Dalton

14 years 1 month ago

Full of Celtic beauty

Full of Celtic beauty which you do so well brother. I admire your gift and wouldn't change a word. Sorry if thats no help. Good luck with all your creative endeavours

John

Race_9togo

14 years 1 month ago

John

Ah, thank you my friend, complement indeed.

magics02

13 years 11 months ago

Sigh

Leaves me to wonder how you are doing Jim

Love Mona

Race_9togo

13 years 11 months ago

:)

I'm OK. Not 100%, but OK.
Thanks Mona

Kailashana2

13 years 11 months ago

Thank you for introducing me

Thank you for introducing me to the music. Just beautiful!

I notice you still are not 100%; I can tell your poem is not quite the free bird. The last line is a haunting one I carry in my heart........I've lost many in my life, quite a few very young, and I've always said I will live for *you*.

Be well Jim.

Race_9togo

13 years 11 months ago

Thanks Anna

Dalton

13 years 11 months ago

ThanX for the tunes

I hadn't noticed the song links you printed at the bottom of your poem. Thanks for that it reminds me of the first Caipercaillie song I ever heard "Coisich a Ruin" I must say I kind of lean towards early Clannad, well before they went electric. I lovely follow up to your poem brother. Be well John

Dalton

13 years 11 months ago

I think this is for lost love

I think this is for a lost love. One who maybe is sadly no longer with us. I beautiful eulogy for her. Also beautiful the descriptions of the west of Scotland. I wish I was there. If this is a true story I'm sorry for your loss. But also thankyou for a fine poem.

John

Race_9togo

13 years 11 months ago

Thanks John

It is about a lost love, my first.
Glad that you enjoyed it.