EXHALE

behind the lush dark of blind
night breaths
sweet and capricious

there is a whisper of clouds
and the harsh pinprick of stars
glittering

softness gathers in the folds of
dreams this intricate
gate holding a gardens worth
of suffecient satisfactions

and patterns sleeping
in the secret grass

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: north ontario, CAN

Favorite Poets: Klo , .., Ida, .., Rhiannon1010, .., Pleiades, .., Valryianne, .., Ester, .., Stephanie, .., Emina Smajevic, ..., Elefentee, ..., Sommer Lyn, ..., Jasmine, ..., Rula, ...

Comments

loved

14 years 1 month ago

lovely poetry

since none had passed a verdict
i thought of jumping in
and
say my two cents of worth

when i read exhale
i thought twas all about inhale,
the secondary kind of smoke
which all lungs can similarly poke
albeit i was wrong
sorry!
end of my part
of exhale story.

Pamela A. Lamppa

14 years 1 month ago

this is quite lovely

I feel the exhale and love the idea of the last stanza. “patterns sleep in secret grass” – I wanted to go there too.

Perhaps a bit less tell and a bit more show in this will bring more impact to this fine work. For example, S1:

behind lush, blind darkness
night breathes

sweet
capricious

(Just a thought)

Some technical things:

“breaths” – did you mean breaths or “breathes” (I read it as breathes)
gardens worth should be garden’s worth
suffecient should be sufficient

All in all, this is quite lovely and sets such a mysterious and omnipresent mood. A place one wants to be, to experience, to simply stay within and savor. Nicely done. ~Pamela