TROPOSPHERE

like a bruise deepening
thinning to the curve
of sky fleshed with cirrus
this bone breadth day
receeds and calms
in cool evening breath

exhausted slumped in
a chair an arm hanging
over Spent and with
heavy lidded eyes
I study the glam plantation
of hills and structures dotted
brisk like bones admist
the greenery and gristle

too tired to swim in the
gentle undulation of the
beachs offering
the dark green waters
restive and sedating

I'm transfixed with the
colours deepening
and stay awake to watch
the stars emerge
one by one like a torchlighters
walk

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: north ontario, CAN

Favorite Poets: Klo , .., Ida, .., Rhiannon1010, .., Pleiades, .., Valryianne, .., Ester, .., Stephanie, .., Emina Smajevic, ..., Elefentee, ..., Sommer Lyn, ..., Jasmine, ..., Rula, ...

Comments

wesley snow

14 years ago

Reminiscent of another poet.

The particular style of this poem caused me think a bit of a gent named Jeffrey Gibson I was able to know at another site. If you knew the man's poetry you would know I compliment you greatly. An excellent use of language. It gave off a feeling of being strained attempting to reach a wordsmithy ever more complex and sophisticated. Excellent poem. wesley

MichelleK

14 years ago

Fantasic images

Your poetry is simply amazing. I find it almost impossible to critique.

The only thing I think you might ab able to tweak a little is adjective relevence. In some cases I think you could about losing an adjective and the image might be a little clearer.

The spefici line I'm thinking about is:
"I'm transfixed with the/ colours deepening"

I think you could afford to cut 'deepening' but that's just my opinion.

Esker

14 years ago

loosening

Like decorating the pagan christmas tree What pretty bauble to
remove or place where to entwine the shiny lights
like a burial whats to place in the pockets and slip against the
palm The route to transposition is ardous and free
like a wind before the dry summer heat lightening flashing against
the trees strained with thick winds

Its always a pleasure to read what other Poets Poetess's wish to
see altered and Im thankful for the input for indeed the removal
trimming or grafting of words creates a whole new dimension
of perspective on something

I would in my childhood retell the fairytales to my younger brother
from the red faux leather books included in the encyclopedia set
my older sister had received in the late fifties My versions were
interesting and more darker long before the masters of the
novueaux today