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Jul 11, 2011
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A welcome defeat (Revision)
In death I’ve found love,
Longing,
Desire,
But much more thought of you;
To make it seem right,
With a heart full of anger,
Yet have not found what to do.
Not in my walking. Not in my waking,
It’s fog,
And thought,
And far too many days between;
That I have will, but no feet,
Urge, but no way,
Nor hither that I have seen.
Besides, I’m too tired,
And wasted,
And spent,
To even think of a way to go;
My plans have all failed,
My toil has borne no fruit,
And fate, it seems, is far too slow.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I wrote this a while ago when I spent some time alone around the house. My thoughts tend to go a bit far sometimes, especially under those circumstances, and it's easy to lose faith for a moment. Even two. But, regardless, I thought I'd share it. It was only a form of expression, so be honest with what you think of it. And, even though it's unlikely to put a smile on your face, or make you feel good. Or even think a bit further, which is what I try to accomplish with most things that I write. I do hope you may find some beauty in it. P.s. I've tried a few new things with the form. Let me know what you think about it:)
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
lou
14 years ago
Waldo
This poem contains a mixture of pain and beauty, I like the title I think that works. The rythm works for me as does the ending.
Lou
scribbler
14 years ago
Hi Waldo
Poem has heart and some good bones. I'll throw out some alternatives and let you decide which or any should stick:
L-4 try but much more the thought of you ( might clarify meaning)
L-7 start with I
L-9 try but in fog
L-12 change I've to I had
L-18 Change a to the
L-20 My toil has borne no fruit
just a few things to think about...............stan
loved
14 years ago
scrbbler
Doesn’t scribble
He speaks
And if I can add on be positive
There’s only 100 years ahead to live
In the terms of time
It’s just a bubble
You have only one choice
To flow a while
Or burst,
As bubbles do
So a positive thought
Will help you
Don’t ever curse...
More than most
Those only do
TheUnknownAuthor
14 years ago
Hehehe!
Thanks for the comments, everyone.
I tip my hat to you, Ms. Lou.
And I shall take a look at those suggestions, Stan.Your suggestion for line 7, 12, and 20 seem appealing right off the bat. The other I think I prefer the way they are.
And thank you, Loved:)
loved
14 years ago
You’re Lips Divine
please comment on this poem
my 1000th poem
written at request of someone...
do i do justice to the person??
magics02
14 years ago
Hello guy!!
I need to go now but in brief reading here I would omit the ands and buts in the beginning of the lines. I have to come back to see about this one later as I let it sit for awhile in my mind
It is emotive poetry and I do know you can polish 'er up!!
Miss talking to you
Blessings
Mona
Kailashana2
14 years ago
A poet is reborn.... your
A poet is reborn.... your labour has borne fruit.
~A
loved
14 years ago
My Honour
My Honour
It’s a signal honour,
Whenever you visit my leaf,
It helps me turn,
A new leaf,
In my life!
TheUnknownAuthor
14 years ago
Hello people:)
Kailashana, Lonnie, thanks guys!
Magics, I look forward to your input:)
And Yenti, it's a valid thought. Though, admittedly, at the time that I wrote it, I didn't think about any good things that I'd done. I've ended a lot of other poems like that, turning it to hope in the end. And I shall think about it, but perhaps it should remain dark. I don't know.
Tea shall help though! Until later!
Yours
Waldo
P.s. Thanks everyone, for reading what I write. It's truly very much appreciated:)
magics02
14 years ago
Hello again
Okay here is what I did or didn't do for your write and let me say this first. This is a deep write and one to really make the reader think of what your thoughts were under that pen
In death I have found
Love
Longing desire
Much more the
Thought of you
Makes it seem right
With a heart full of anger,
I have not quite found
What to do.
Not in my walking,
Not in my waking,
It is of the fog
and thought,
With far too many
days between
That I have will
But no feet,
Urge, but no way,
Nor hither
Yet, I have seen
Besides, I am too tired
wasted and spent,
To even think
Of a way to go
My plans
have all failed,
my toil has
borne no fruit,
And fate it seems
Is far too slow.
Powerful ending Waldo I walked there with you on this one. This is a place maybe of a desolate time in your life perhaps? Let me know if I am off and I just quickly did a runover on this for you as I am still working on a priority project at the moment.
I wanted to keep my promise to you and I did:)
Let me know hither or wither:)
Hope your strumming that quitar!!
Blessings of love
Mona
TheUnknownAuthor
14 years ago
Hahaha!
I'm not so bad at the strumming, it's the chords that kick my... well... you know... :)
And thank you very much indeed for keeping your promise; and for doing all this work for me!
You're not off, by the way. I don't know if I'd call it desolate, perhaps only not for pride's sake, but I went through quite a frustrating piece in my life the last while. I think I tried to bite too big a chunk off the things I wish to accomplish, and didn't get all too far.
I'm not where I want to be yet, but mentally, I'm back in a much kinder place. And that big chunk of fate; that I've broken into small pieces that I can easily accomplish.
Now, to the write. You've done a LOT!
If I can be blatantly honest, I don't know if I like the change in form. I think it's just a case of different styles of writing, and ways in which people see things. And the form was quite deliberate. But there were some changes in the lines that I found interesting. Words that fell away that I "perceived" as necessary, and now see as quite superfluous.
Give me a while, and I shall see how I can incorporate these ideas. But until then, thanks Magics:)
Yours
Waldo