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Nov 23, 2010
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Mikey...
There once was a computer program
that was meant to rival man's smarts
What the program didn't know about
was the largess of our hearts
The gentleness of the soul of us
the ways we operate
Logic doesn't allow for that
but that's what makes us great
It tried to see where the problem was
why it couldn't grasp the sense
Why does man do the things he does
with no seeming recompense?
A fuzzy feeling of warmth
gives a sense of being fulfilled
To change the mind of someone
that only wishes us ill
To be there for our fellow man
in times of trouble and strife
The logic of the love
felt for our children and wife
The computer didn't see
why it should care at all
If the people around us stumbled
why not let them fall?
The joy of seeing a child's first steps
the sorrow of a death
Things weren't making sense for it
it had no feelings or depth
And so began the end
of the program nicknamed Mikey
As the computer slowly unravelled
the complex human psyche
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I didn't do much at all to this, just removed the commas, smoothed and rewrote a couple of lines and feel that it works a lot better. Thanks to all for the comments that made me go on to make this a better piece.~ Gee
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Candlewitch
14 years 7 months ago
Dear Sir Gee,
It tried to see where the problem was, why it couldn't grab the sense
Why does man do the things he does, with no obivious recompense?
great lines (but obivious should be obvious)
I loved the ending lines, too.
love, cat
Geezer
14 years 7 months ago
Thanks for...
the heads up, on the spelling error. I can hardly pick my fav. lines in this one, but I am torn between the ending, and the second to last couplet. Thanks for the read, glad you liked this. Love ya, ~ Gee
mand
14 years 7 months ago
cleverly written
and so true! A computer can only think in logical terms - no feeling, no emotion. It's the soul, heart and love that makes the difference.
Excellent! Thanx for sharing!
Love Mand xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Race_9togo
14 years 7 months ago
Gee
I like this one a lot.
I kept seeing this as quatrains instead of couplets, I think because of the length of the lines, and the pacing you put into them would allow for the lines to be easily broken down. But that's not really a major thing, the poem flows very well, regardless of the format.
Working with these machines for most of my adult life, I know exactly what you mean, so I love the theme.
The beginning was Ok - "there once was" is pretty well-used...the ending I think is real good, considering theconstraint of the contest phrase, you put those last two lines together very very well.
Good write, fun to read
Good Luck!
loved
14 years 7 months ago
very nice
did u get to read my reply
to ur final version
ere u tried
a conversion
in the promised
fried inversion
sorry for the diversion
Roscoe Lane
12 years 8 months ago
Gee,
The only change i would make, which is not necesarily a crit just a preference is. Verse six, line three. ( if the people around us stumble, ) and verse seven line three ( These things didn't make any sense, ) Nice poem. Regards Roscoe..
judyanne
12 years 8 months ago
flows well enough gee
i would prefer to see a little more attention paid to meter in places - but as you know, that's just me :)
only one real crit – re the rhyme for ‘mike’ in the last stanza, as 'psyche' is pronounced ‘sahy-kee’
and yes - a computer would never be able to understand human emotion
i enjoyed the read
love judy
xxx
Geezer
12 years 8 months ago
I guess...
it needs a little more fixing...I'll get back to it later tonight or tomorrow. ~ Gee
Candlewitch
12 years 8 months ago
Dear Sir Gee,
On a second read through, I liked these lines best:
The joy of seeing a child's first steps
the sorrow of a death
These things didn't make any sense for it
it had no feelings or depth
And so began the end
of the program that was nicknamed Mike
As the computer slowly unravelled
the facsimile of the human psyche
always, eddy (&cat)
Xavier Sleuth
3 years 11 months ago
This one-
"The computer didn't see
why it should care at all
If the people around us stumbled
why not let them fall?"
Kinda think people are starting to be like this too, ngl.
We learning it from our tech?
Or does tech just express our darker selves?
Good ol' shower thoughts.
Thanks for sharing this one.
Geezer
3 years 11 months ago
Yeah...
my favorite lines too! I guess we are learning from our computers. I've always said: This is the ME generation.
~ Geez.
.