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Times Like These
Days turn into nights, Nights into days, yet for most of us, life never changes from one day to the next. Endless groundhog days and nothingness... We work our butts off, pay our bills, buy our food, go home to our daily routine, then slip into the abyss...
Do you ever ask yourself...AM i really living the life I am meant to be living? Am i doing what I always dreamt I would be doing? Have I fullfilled my needs to be truely happy with the way I am? Do I take enough ME time? Or do you simply shrug it off and think of more important things like, when the rent is due next, or how much money I have left to budget until pay day!
This is what Life has been like for me up until now!
I can't explain exactly what happened, but it was like I got a MAJOR virtual kick up the backside... About a month ago I went through 2 weeks of depression...It was the sadest, most heartwrenching time of my life and I will happily admit to you, that I hit rock bottom! As they say, when you are depressed, you need to hit rock bottom before you can bounce back up again, but sadly some people hit rock bottom and never get up again. Fortunately for me, I am a fighter...I'm not the type of person to give up that easily, and besides I have 2 gorgeous kids to keep me focused, but also reality SLAPPED me in the face and said " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
I was crying EVERY DAY...I avoided my friends and didn't want to talk to anyone. I was agitated all the time, quick to anger and very defensive about absolutely everything. Being an ARIES, the Fire sign, I felt like I was burning up inside and something had to give!
I went to spend a weekend with my parents to get away from my world for a couple of days, which was the best thing I did, and although i had to return to what seemed like the same life I left behind for those couple of days, something HAD changed.
I began to have constant flashbacks of all the things I was miserable about, which gave me the inspiration to deal with them...I just dealt with one thing at a time...Why was I unhappy?
PROBLEMS...
1. Financially....which is ALWAYS a BIG source of my unhappiness
2. Not being able to give my kids what I want to give them
3. Being in the city, but not being able to explore all the possibilities of adventure
4. Missing my family
5. Not Doing what I truely want to do EG Job
6. Letting myself go...Physically, emotionally and mentally....
After thinking about all those things EVERY day...I decided to do something about them. Granted...some things are easier than others to deal with, but short term solutions quickly came to mind.
SOLUTIONS....
1. Financially...I'm probably no better off, but have accepted that I can only do the best I can, and accept full responsibility for late payments etc. As long as my rent is ALWAYS paid on time, everything will be paid as I cxan afford it, I just ring the company and ask for an extension or explain my situation and hope for compassion!
2. I give my kids "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE" which is the most important thing they could EVER have. Material things are just that "MATERIAL". My boys know that I love them very much, and that I would do ANYTHING for them, and I know they love me just as much!
3. We can do little thiings at a time. If I budget right and make time to do things together, we can explore anything!
4. Sometimes I will just have to go without something to have the money to travel back home to see my family, even if it means getting behind in some of my bills. Family is very important to me. But there's also the internet, so I keep in touch Via...MYSPACE and Facebook etc...amazing technology. Oh yeah there's this thing called a Telephone....you should try it oneday.....lmao
5. For the past year I have been working for a Home Domestics company cleaning private houses 2 days a week...not my ideal job, bu it has helped me in times when I really needed the extra cash, but I came to realise that it was just another added expense for me... and what I thought was money in my pocket, was actually just paying for child care and petrol! I wasn't making a profit at all....I quit my job to begin study in Massage Therapy at the Natural Health Academy which I am really excited about.
6. I wasn't exercising, I could'nt express myself properly through my writing, not even my poetry was enough to get to the core of what I was feeling, because MENTALLY I was exhausted! Completely drained and BLANK! Since SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE has started, I have been gaining energy and inspiration from watching those awesome dancers living their dreams...I have a mini stepper and I do steps each night whilst watching the show....current number of steps...2500...i'm trying to do 100 more each night...that is definately working and i feel so much better after doing it...Excercise truely DOES alter your mood.
As for mentally, I guess it's more a matter of concentrating on the positive things in my life and worrying less about the negatives. They are the things you can't change...they are the things that will always be an issue but you can do something about them in the long run!
MAKE time for yourself....Start things you keep putting off...Write a in a JOURNAL everyday...about whatever is on your mind and re-read it to make necessary changes in your life. THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN MAKE YOU TRUELY HAPPY....IS YOU!!!!!!!!
BE strong, Be true to yourself....but most of all BE YOU!