Hooded Stranger

Nov 25, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Witch

I walked across the broken glass to be with you
My feet were torn to pieces
You looked at me and let out a laugh
Knowing you'd led me down the garden path

I ran across the burning embers to hold you
My skin was burnt and charred
You looked at me and kicked me hard
Knowing my heart would be forever scarred

A witch without a heart
A whore without feeling
A bitch to lead me on
After all those things for you I had done

A bitch without a soul
A whore without love
A witch to lead me on
After everything for you I had ever done

I crawled through the barbed wire to defend you
My face was ripped and bloody
You looked at me and slapped me
Knowing the shock would cause me agony

I swam through shark infested waters for you
My limbs were chewed to the bone
You looked at me and punched my face
Knowing my existence had been such a waste

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West England, GBR

Favorite Poets: Sylvia Plath (poet), Caitlin Mattison/Eddy Styx (poet 'candlewitch'), Enda Collins (poet 'ziggy'), Martin Gore (lyricist for Depeche Mode), Neil Tennant (lyricist for Pet Shop Boys), Stefan Großmann (lyricist for Absurd Minds), Lemmy Kilmister (lyricist for Motörhead), Nathan Reiner (lyricist for Third Realm), Wayne Hussey (lyricist for The Mission), Leonard Cohen (lyricist), Tom Shear (lyricist for Assemblage 23), Clint Carney (lyricist for System Syn & Fake), Ronan Harris (lyricist for VNV Nation), Aaron Lewis (lyricist for Staind), Jason Charles Miller (lyricist for Godhead), Torben Wendt (lyricist for Diorama), Adrian Hates (lyricist for Diary Of Dreams)

Comments

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Seren

Seren,

this is not directed at anybody at Neopoet...I wouldn't be that cruel or rude to any fellow member of the community.

It is a hate filled poem.

Sorry you thought I would do this to someone in our community.

I have removed the sub-comment...I don't want anybody else thinking I would write such a poem for anyone here.

scribbler

14 years 7 months ago

witch

A write of true masochism. As such it has great power. But me being me I have a few alternatives you might consider
l-4 .....down the garden path
l-12 change I had to I'd
l-16 delete ever or contract I had
l-19 omit and

just a few ideas you are free to ignore or use.........scribbler

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Stan

Stan,

I like you being you...and that is why I have considered your changes. I have made some right away and others I will think on a little more first.

Thanks for your input...you always find something to make it better.

One point, the following lines need to stay as they are for the music produced for them:

After all those things for you I had done

and

After everything for you I had ever done

Really appreciate your time,

regards,

lou

14 years 7 months ago

HS

As you know I think your a genius (buttering you up before I make comment lmao), but the way that the first two verses rhyme give the impression that your being humorous , I don"t think that was your intention, judging by the rest of the poem. If you take the rhyme out it Would improve I think.

Still think it's very good though.

Lou

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Lou

Lou,

calling me a genius will not butter me up I'm afraid...that is not a title I am even close to being worthy of.

Verses 1 & 4 have a matching rhyming scheme and then verses 2 & 3 have their own rhyming scheme.

As you know, most of these pieces are intended as lyrics and the rhyming scheme gives a rounder feel to the whole piece. The rhyming isn't meant to be funny, but maybe more tongue-in-cheek or sarcastic. I'll leave them be for now as I hope the piece as a whole, does come across as funny, but very much an angry vent by me at someone who tried to ruined my life.

Thanks for the suggestions my friend,

lou

14 years 7 months ago

HS

Well just shows I'm no genius pmsl

Lou

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Lou

Lou,

being a genius is a tough job...I should know!!

Lol!

Geezer

14 years 7 months ago

I'm sure...

that you have heard the old saying: "If looks could kill?" Well if words could kill, That bitch would be dead! But just in case, we could have Killer rip out her black and puny heart! I'm sure that we could come up with something as good as : " There's a killer on the road, his brain is squirming like a toad." Maybe something like: Her stone cold heart is in my pocket now?" Anyways, good rant! ~ Respectfully, ~ Gee

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Gee

Gee,

indeed, if words could kill!!....Lol!

Thanks for reading my friend.

I know where Killer is if ever I need him.

cheers,

Race_9togo

14 years 7 months ago

Hooded,

There's nothing I would change here, poem or lyric, I think this smooths into either category very well.

I understand that this is made in response to someone real. If so, they should thank the gods that you've vented in words, and not actions.

As do we, in enjoyment of the skill with which you portray such emotions. It is painful to read, but excellent nonetheless.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Jim

Jim,

thanks for taking time out to read and comment.

When you just see lyrics without any music it forms a poetic structure...it is not until the music is added does it evolve from words to sound. It can be difficult to understand how my songs will work when you only see them written down. The fun part is bringing the words to life.

A typical ex-wife song. I don't intend to have any more Ex's, they are a pain in the ass!

It is a painful piece...just wait until the heavy bass and aggressive vocal style really kicks in and shows how I really feel!!

Thanks my friend,

ziggy

14 years 7 months ago

hi

hood knowing what this one is about i can easily understand as you know lol
I know someone who i'd love to send this too, I have no fav lines yet as this
reads as one complete piece to me , " I crawled through the barbed wire to defend you", would you consider leaving out the word (the ) as ever hood I could be wrong but I just thought it might read better without as that word for me does not add anything to the line, having said that its a line I can easily understand as you might know , THIS WRITE FLOWS JUST RIGHT ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ZIGGY

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Zigs

Zigs,

I knew you could understand this one...send it to whoever you want...I know she'll love it!! Lol!

Your suggestion about dropping the 'the' would work in all three verses with the 'the' in it. I am going to edit it right now - good suggestion.

Glad you liked it,

thanks for reading my friend,

Kailashana2

14 years 7 months ago

Deleted

According to wishes.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Shirl

Shirl,

maybe we could work on a deal and we could sell this to your friends!!

A real bitch...oh yes!

thanks,

Candlewitch

14 years 7 months ago

Dear Dan

Eddy Styx wouldn't mind joining Killer to have a go at this evil bitch. A very angry write, with which I can sympathize with as I've recently gone a few rounds with a nasty bitch of my own. Excellent expression of emotions here!

love, cat

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Cat

Cat,

now a tri-write would be an experience, Killer, Styx & Hood...shall we do a love poem!!

You can send the nasty bitch my song if you want to.

Glad you appreciated the expression of emotions.

Thanks for reading and commenting,

greeneyes

14 years 7 months ago

Dan

This one got me right in the heart. I know that type of hatred, I have felt it first hand. The worst type of hatred is that which came out of love betrayed.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

words can't really express my hatred, but I tried my best!

Thank you for your words, you are always welcome here in my dark little corner of Neopoet.

regards,

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

amalzamani

amalzamani,

I am the lyric writer and one half of the vocals for a band, Systema Synthetica. All my work is copyrighted to our own record label; Unsqueezed Productions. I only do this to prevent other artists using our work (which has happened in the past). This song has not yet been recorded but it should be included in a future album.

I am not sure why you say that "that’s not enough to describe a witch" I never said it was a song to describe her, it was about the actions surrounding her and my involvement. The verses are my own actions in dealing with this 'witch' and the chorus is what I feel about her. What title would you have given it?

"Show but don’t tell" - you are asking me questions here, when the whole trick of the write is to use your imagination - it is a teasing style...sorry this doesn't meet with your approval.

The first line of each verse is not supposed to be exactly what I did, it is a mere metaphor for saying I went through Hell to please you. The last stanza was specifically written so the last line of the song, shows that despite all I did, it was all pointless and a waste as it changed nothing.

The fourth stanza is the closing...so i am not quite sure what you are getting at. Please note this is four verses and two choruses, hence the slight change of direction of the middle section (the chorus).

Glad you enjoyed the 'raw emotion'.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope my explanation to your questions help you to overcome the sections which you brought into question.

regards,

HS
www.systemasynthetica.net

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

amalzamani

amalzamani,

lyric writing can be different from poem writing if trying to get the flow to work with music.

I won't ignore your thoughts, the whole point of this workshop is for readers to comment on their thoughts and hopefully help improve the poem/song.

I enjoyed your comments and hopefully explained why I had written the piece in this particular way.

You are welcome to comment on my work anytime, as I hope I am equally welcome to comment on yours.

kind regards,