Alice Ember

Aug 31, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

What the wind whispers

Love me like it was only yesterday
Hold me as if i am there today
Please god I don't want to fade away
I only want to stay
Watching the flowers in May
But theres nothing I can say
For I died that day
My spirit can't find a place to lay
One by one my respects they pay
Here I must sit listening to her play
The sad song she sings among the hay
Darling, I have found my way
Your song having been the sun ray
to the darkness that it slay
I'm the wind, watch the trees sway
Keep me in your heart and forever I shall stay

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Umm.. yeah I didn't think it was awful but I didn't think it was decent either. what do you guys think?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Comments

weirdelf

13 years 10 months ago

Clever

But continual rhyme seldon fails to be forced and loses content.

Alice Ember

13 years 10 months ago

Thanks.

Hooded Stranger

13 years 10 months ago

Alice

Alice,

good for you, to try something different and use the same rhyme throughout. Not sure it works as some rhymes feel a little forced.

Maybe you should split it into 2 stanza's of 8 lines and change the end-rhymes in one of the stanza's.

Read like a rap, and I didn't think it that bad at all. You said what you wanted to.

How you keeping?

Alice Ember

13 years 10 months ago

Thanks HS

Thanks thats a good idea and I've been good. How about you?

Hooded Stranger

13 years 10 months ago

Alice

Alice,

stopped being good a long time ago...it is so much more fun!

Alice Ember

13 years 10 months ago

true

True but new places, new ages, new everything calls for a new attitude

raj

13 years 10 months ago

Alice

i liked the theme of the poem which is true to its title..

since i too feel the same way about what others before me have expressed about rhyme...please try and tweak it up..

weirdelf

13 years 10 months ago

May I add?

The content is meaningful and only needs a few stanza breaks and, yes, less rhyme!

alidzain

10 years 9 months ago

Alice

I loved the title, the theme and the message. As for the rhyming, personally, I think this is better if written in free verse or, like Jess says, lesser rhyme.

Alid