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Lights... Rewrite for Splashpool
Smears of neon, glistening light
streak across my blurry sight
Swiftly the wipers push aside
the colored raindrops come to ride
High flying geese in their vees
Trees in brightly colored leaves
The crack of dawn, I see it come
and Summer seems to be all done
Motor sounds and tires shussssh
driving through the puddled slush
Pale yellow light from the sun
I think that Autumn has finally come
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I'm not sure that I conformed to the syllabus here. Been a couple of rough weeks. ~ Gee
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
raj
13 years 9 months ago
Joe
this sounds like a bough on strings..i agree with Rosi the meter sounds perfect..
just a wee bit of a suggestion you may give a thought for changing
Thin yellow light from the sun
change to
Silken beams of the Sun...
scribbler
13 years 9 months ago
Hi Gee
Might try in perfect vees and light from fading sun and see if it sounds better to you. But it all depends on how it's read..........stan
lou
13 years 9 months ago
Gee
Gee,
I love the feel of the poem, my only nit pick is with line 3 of Stanza 1, 'Shadowed wipers,' it does'nt fit some how, about just saying ' Shadows wipe away,' or 'Shadows clear'.
love lou
Geezer
13 years 9 months ago
Thank you all...
for the great critique. I think most of your suggestions were right on the money. ~ Gee