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themoonman
themoonman
Sep 27, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

Meter for everyone!

(Read More...)

Snack Time (meter workshop)

Try buttering bread naked, and precariously clumsy.
Invite a mate, one unopposed to a little spillage,
and without the best selling brand of paper towels,
buttered bread, buttered bread, have some fun,
feed a friend.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

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Comments

S

scribbler

14 years ago

Hi Richard

all seems right to me, but I'm no expert. The last line breaks meter cleanly............stan

wesley snow

wesley snow

14 years ago

Aaarrgghh!!

Try as might, I can't parse this. It comes out differently each time. What am I doing wrong? JESS!!
wesley

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 12 months ago

Actually Ian did a pretty good job.

This one is too irregular to parse formally, but that wasn't a requirement for this exercise.
You did succeed in making the ordinary interesting and it reads well,
thanks for your commitment and participation in this workshop,
I know it's been tough for everyone,

judyanne

judyanne

13 years 12 months ago

hi richard

i haven't followed the workshop - lol - not been here for ages...
so i don't know if my crit is appropriate

however i'll tell it as i see it :)
'Try buttering bread naked, and precariously clumsy.
Invite a mate, one unopposed (now) to a little spillage,
(and -remove)without the best (known) selling brand of (sturdy) paper towels,
buttered bread, (oh) buttered bread, (let's) have some fun,
we'll feed a friend'.

love judy

themoonman

themoonman

13 years 12 months ago

Thanks to all ...

I totally enjoyed this workshop and everyone that
has contributed.

Ian, you are pretty close!

Judy, so good to see you and thank you for the
suggestions, I believe I'll use them, by the way,
do you like buttered bread (lol), so good to see you.