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Felattitude
His grey eyes barely visible
in between green blades of grass
though crouched he stood
in readihood
his hunting skills first class.
~
The breeze was in his favor
plus, he was hidden in tall reed
an awkward stance
will eat circumstance
so his best is what he'll need
~
A polished element of surprise
and rehearsed moves he knows so well
he's honed each skill
with intent to kill
quietly longing for death's smell
~
All surrounding circumstances
fade clean away for each cat;
they couldn't care less
so what? If they make a mess
they practiced looking like they meant to do "that
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
weirdelf
13 years 9 months ago
Interesting structure, I like it
and a nice glimpse into felinity.
I think the ellipsis and inverted commas detract rather than add.
weirdelf
13 years 9 months ago
I see the revisions you just made
those commas weren't necessary but inverted commas are these things " ". And they definitely disrupt the flow of the read.
docmaverick
13 years 9 months ago
elfman....
...didn't have the time to answer you. Here I thought I was being more clear.
doc.