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themoonman
themoonman
Oct 13, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

Rhyme- use, variations and forms.

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Glazing Over (rhyme shop)

When I awoke this morning
the glaze was conquering me,
strong dark and all consuming,
inflicting its criminal, nasty deed.

I tried to shake it off,
tried to milk my life for more,
but the ho-hum shit of every day
has allowed the misted shore.

Before long I succumb,
left to wonder why I've tried,
maybe I'm going through the motions
simply because I haven't died.

Trained to the haze
and openly its whore,
gray skies, clouded eyes,
bending to this world.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

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Comments

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 8 months ago

Not sure what I am supposed to say, so...

Concerning rhyme only.
In the first stanza the rhyme is "morning/consuming". Me and deed don't make it, but I'm not sure they were an attempt. Because the other rhyme is based exclusively on the "ing" sound, I consider it a poor rhyme. Don't misunderstand. I'm writing an epic poem with thousands of rhymes, so I use the "ing". I do try to avoid it when I can.
Second stanza- "more/shore" works for me. Same in the third stanza with "tried/died".
There are no rhymes in the last stanza unless you include the internal rhyme of "skies/eyes".
Homework done...to bed.
wesley

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

13 years 8 months ago

Not a rhymer by nature

my skill for rhyming is limited as I have no experience or full understanding that qualify me for critquing rhymes.
So here it goes. I agree with wesley comment in both the more and shore, and the internal skies and tried because I noticed my rhymes are mostly internally naturally for some reason.

Great poem I love its flow

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 8 months ago

Wes is spot on, I'd just like to add...

Consider the sounds of :
Me/deed [assonance],
haze/eyes [consonance] and
whore/world [sort of sounds and look not entirely disimilar, perhaps a partial/eye/assonance/consonance? (grins)]

It's also commendable for strong rhymes matching strong and weak weak and, although it doesn't have a regular meter the general flow is not distorted by the quest for rhyme.

themoonman

themoonman

13 years 8 months ago

Jess ...

Thanks, I was thinking this might be a good poem to
point out a couple of the variations you wanted to go
over. I never go merely with the way a word is spelled,
in the last stanza, the "or" sound is what I was going for,
and the smoothness in the spoken word.

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 8 months ago

You're right.

My language was incorrect. There are many more rhymes in this than I gave credit for. The assonance alone. My bad. wesley

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

13 years 8 months ago

Rhymes

I see clearly the assonance, but
Consonance, I have difficulty seeing the rhyme

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 8 months ago

It's ok, I forgot to mention

assonance and consonance are more effectively used consecutively on the same line, not as endline rhyme substitutes. The consonant in this case is z which is the way eyes is pronounced ize. Always remember it's the way it sounds spoken, not the way it's written.

Tam the Chanter

Tam the Chanter

13 years 8 months ago

rhyme thyme

Financiers took all our money
And left us with nothing but debt.
This winter aint gonna be sunny,
But cold as an old witch's tit.
So this is how the world ends
So this is how the world ends
So this is how the world ends
Not with a Bank
But with a Winter

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 8 months ago

that's all you've got to say for yourself?

no thoughts on rhyming on the workshop page?
no exercises?
not even a poem for rhyming critique?
No bee stamps for you me lad!

The rhymes are simple and adequate but stick to the scansion of the original
Not with a Bank
But a Winter

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

13 years 8 months ago

Richard

How bleak and evocative this is.
I found the rhyming quite good, with the similar and near rhymes and assonance and all of that.
I was however thrown by the last line of the first stanza, which to me has far too many syllables for it not to rhyme well with the second line. I wanted either for that line to rhyme exactly, with a strong stressor, or read less syllables so the cadence fit with the rest of the stanza.
"Inflicting criminality", perhaps? I think that end rhyme would be stronger, and would give the entire piece a better, stronger beginning.
But its very good. I find myself remembering exactly just such days as you describe, and it chills.
Well done.

themoonman

themoonman

13 years 8 months ago

Hi Jim ...

Thanks man, I had trouble with that particular line too,
but went with what I have for its content, but agree that
something else may be a smoother rhyme. When I edit,
I will keep your suggestion in mind, thanks!

themoonman

themoonman

13 years 8 months ago

Thanks Rosi ...

You have really hit a strong point here, the structure
is a bit all over isn't it, and the rhyme isn't the same,
but I felt that it did fall from the tongue rather smoothly,
and then I read your suggestion on the "succumb" line,
and you're totally correct, when I'm given the go ahead,
I'll be addressing that one ... thanks!

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 8 months ago

Wait, wait, wait, wait...

...there are many words in English that are comfortably used as present tense and past without changing them. I believe "succumb" is one of them. This sometime produces that odd medieval feeling (that I am so fond of), but in many cases is grammatically correct. To be honest, I'm not sure that line required past or present tense specifically, but I suspect it doesn't matter. I'm not positive here kids, so Jess could you weigh in?
wesley

themoonman

themoonman

13 years 8 months ago

Wes ...

You are exactly correct, but, after thinking about it
and reading it aloud both ways, I believe Rosi has something
there. I too believe it to be grammatically correct either way,
but to the ear, and from the tongue, I believe I'll change it, but
I will see what Jess has to say first.

I was only going to change the "I've" in the next line, which was
also her suggestion, because it sounds better to the ear and
flows more easily.

thank you for pointing that out Wes

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 8 months ago

it is correct both ways

I prefer the sound of succumb, succumbed is just an awkward sounding word, probably why it's been allowed to work both ways. It changes the meter only very slightly.

Geezer

Geezer

13 years 8 months ago

Richard...

I am impressed that you incorporated those different variations all in the same poem. Very nice work!
I am sometimes tempted to do so, but not sure of how they will be recieved. After seeing yours, I will not be so doubtful. ~ Gee