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Oct 28, 2011
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Purarity
Stamped out errors on vintage coins
a unique response to a phrase just turned.
Maybe a club only agoraphobics joins
or the number of times an Eskimo gets burned.
Several, icy-cold, mid-summer breezes
a moment so magical, it makes you aware;
even the causalities from unknown diseases
all of these things equal something, rare.
All my life I've tried to be unique
with my individuality defining me, too;
thinking out of the box, and resembling a freak,
yet proud my own signature still shined through.
My eclectic interests take me to places
that I'm always more than happy to share;
but, 'tis yours out of all of the faces
that I wish would truly see me as, rare.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I know, I know.......ships pass in the night, ALL the time. doc.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
weirdelf
13 years 8 months ago
this is a re-write, yeah?
It's better in Neopoet terms to edit the original so we can compare differences.
Where do all your gratuitous commas come from? Better perhaps to break the line or use some other form of caesura.
Content-wise, as you say 'ships pass in the night, ALL the time'
wesley snow
13 years 8 months ago
I loved all the oxymorons.
I agree with Jess though, there seemed to be a lot of commas where they were unneeded. But the flip flop nature of every other line is a kick. I may have to borrow this idea. wesley
weirdelf
13 years 8 months ago
could be more to this
could be more to this