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Finally Over Myself

Let me in that outside "box", of yours
it's a place I think sounds quaint,
with my devil-may-care attitude
I'll soon prove that you're no saint;
and that it's your own life you wish to taint.

Mother Goose looks grim through shadows,
Who's your daddy? What's his name?
Why do you waste time trying to prove
everyone else is who's to blame?
Being a mere loudmouth will be your claim to fame!

Never in my wildest dreams
while sowing my wild oats,
have I met an individual
who's missed so many "boats"!
Maybe you should try taking some more notes.

I performed a grand disservice
while servicing your wants and needs,
in my eyes you were a "flower"
in a world made up of weeds;
because of you I own a heart that simply bleeds.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: The High Desert, in the wild west, southern California, U.S. of A.., USA

Favorite Poets: Keates, Poe, Dickinson, and Dr. Seuss. There are a smattering of others, but why bother listing 'em all, ya know?, I also rely on a few of our poets, here....for advice, and what not. I couldn't possibly explain what a fountain of live, effective knowledge we have...right here in our midst ! To catch a glimmer of brilliance, merely visit: the Stream.

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Comments

Roscoe Lane

Roscoe Lane

13 years 6 months ago

I can't,

I can't see anything wrong with pacing, maybe i'd be inclined to shorten the last line of each verse. Removing or changing some words may give it more punch to end the verses. but that's a preference not a critique. A good hard hitting poem. Regards Roscoe.

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 6 months ago

I'm going to agree with Roscoe here.

The poem is actually one of the few written predominately in trochee that I have seen in a while. The last line of each stanza though does seem to run on a bit. I might have tried keeping the poem exclusively in trochee, but that's the way I roll. Not necessarily something to brag about.
As to the subject... geez, could you make it more edgy? I cut myself getting to the end.
wesley