Candlewitch

Jan 05, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Brave Hearts (prose) reformatted

Brave Hearts
Winter was decked out white, in a soft velvet mantle. They came across the compass rose through the driven snow to meet. He memorized her eyes over cigarettes and cappuccino at the corner table. Muffled music played inside his spinning head.

Within the winter of his heart was the marriage of sultry, smoky, Jazz with his dreams of loving. Inside the cafe, reflective conversation could be heard through the ceiling tiles. He felt muted longing in the intensity of the echoing ache that was the vast, empty cavern of his heart.

All too soon their cups were drained. Buttoning her coat, she led him to the street where, together, they huddled against the frigid gusts of ice crystal swirls, seeking soft warm flesh. His beloved and he, laughing and clinging, becoming an exquisite whisper in their shadow world of stored memories, bucking, against the callous winds of time.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is another piece to be included in my manuscript, Mirror/rorriM * thanks for all the great suggestions!

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

China Blue

13 years 6 months ago

Cat

Very vivid imagery in this piece. You could almost feel the cold gusts. In fact it reminded me of an exact point tin time of my life.Where this scene was for real
Chrys

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Dear Chrys,

Thank you. I hope it was a good memory that this piece helped you to recall.

always, Cat

China Blue

13 years 6 months ago

Cat

Very sad and melancholic

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Dear Chrys,

I am so sorry if I have opened an old wound. (((Hugs))) and a cup of tea.

Love, Cat

wesley snow

13 years 6 months ago

I too loved the imagery,

but (and I know I'm gonna get it for this) it doesn't "feel" like poetry. A sharp piece of prose that paints a picture very successfully. The language is gorgeous, the characters are real, it just doesn't read like a poem.
Don't hate me.
wesley

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Hello wesley.

I don't hate you, lol. Yes it is prose. But there is no listing to post prose under, so I posted here. I'm glad you enjoyed the imagery.

always, Cat

wesley snow

13 years 6 months ago

My bad.

Now I can like it without reservations. wesley

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Dear Wesley,

Glad to have eased your mind. By the way, I always enjoy your critiques and comments!

Thanks, Cat

scribbler

13 years 6 months ago

Hi Cat

It is my understanding that prose should be punctuated as if writing a letter, so you might review this with that in mind. Now I'll give some alternatives you might consider (or not lol) :
L-8 change playing to played to maintain tense
L-15 and 16 using hollowed and empty seems redundant when used this close together
L-21 try seeking soft warm flesh
Last line unbiased seems wrong for some reason. Maybe something like uncaring?
This conveys the imagery and emotions well and I hope my suggestions are of some use.......stan

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Hi Stan,

This piece is going into my "Mirror/rorriM" manuscript, so I really appreciate all your suggestions. I will carefully consider them all in the next few days. Thanks for reading and offering help.

always, Cat

the_fool

13 years 6 months ago

i agree with wes here. i,

i agree with wes here. i, too, have fallen into the trap of chopping up a prose piece to look like poetry and then later told that it would've been just as effective written in standard form. my only other problem is, since it's prose, you probably don't have to capitalize the first leter of every line.
but it's still a great piece. flows nicely and the imagery is spot on. thx for this one.

t_f

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Thanks t_f!

I will definititely think about reformating! Thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Nice chatting with you the other day.

always, Cat